


Burn bright for my constellations

by TheOrangeAurora



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bullying, Fluff, Graphic Description, Health Issues, Hospitalisation, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, death mention, early childhood illness, mention of vomit, other tags might be added as the story progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2018-12-30 22:17:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 37,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12118371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOrangeAurora/pseuds/TheOrangeAurora
Summary: As the glass shattered, so did Dan.Now left to deal with the mental and physical challenges of healing, Dan has to learn how to readjust to the normal highschool life, where dealing with loss is harder than it seems when everyone he counted on has left him. It takes time, and a helping hand, to realise that everyone comes with their own scars and that through honesty and self-acceptance they will flourish once again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello! Sorry for being so absent for a long time but it's because I have been working on a couple new fics that I will be delivering to you over the course of the next month and onwards! :D I hope you are as excited to read it as I am to post it! 
> 
> DISCLAIMER: The updates will be as regular as possible, but I might take small breaks in between now that university has began again, so please bear with me <3

The whispers around him were like buzzing bees, or was it more like flies? They circled around him, sometimes closer, sometimes - further away, but always so present that it made him uncomfortable. 

They were definitely more like flies, Dan decided soon, wondering and wandering, not coexisting in the world oblivious of him like bees would. 

But he didn't want to think of flies. 

The whizzing, the hiss of something further away, the pained sounds from barely conscious mouths…

The mere thought of the memory made him want to gag, because his body was spent and his stomach was the fastest to react when things got too much. The tight knot that pulled at the centre of his being made it hard for him to continue walking, but he pushed onwards, leaning on the crutch clumsily as his fingers curled tightly around the handle. 

Doctors had said that an accident like his was bound to leave a psychological trauma; that paranoia was just a side-effect to the stress caused by the happenings, and that with the appropriate measures they could come close to fixing it. One thing Dan found hard to believe in all the long-winding explanations was that eventually it would pass. For most part. 

Like hell something so horrific could stop being so vivid in his memory. 

Like the scars and pain wouldn't be a reminder of it for the months and years to come. 

Like the limp and the crutch would not make him so sore that he'd find it hard to sleep, and sleep, they said, was the true medicine for his psyche. 

Like it was mere paranoia that made it feel like everyone was looking at him, when it was clear that his reappearance was bound to stir some reactions.

_ And why did they have to stare like that? _

It wasn't like Dan wasn't used to the attention; he'd received different kinds of it throughout the 16 years of his life and had always found a way to deal with it. But something about this time was so wildly different that he simply wanted to melt into the floor with every difficult step taken so they would finally stop. Instead, he reached out to pull at the hood with his free hand, trying to see how far he could draw it over his eyes so even when he would look up nobody would see how deep the marks had been carved in him.

Throughout the years Dan had been everything. He had been the kid that was too open, too happy and theatrical for his peers to take him seriously and so they had turned to bullying him until Dan had moved and switched schools. He had been the shy new kid, quiet and polite but with an increasingly sarcastic edge, always studying well no matter the kind of shenanigans that he was drawn into. The kids grew and before long the puberty hit. He became tall and lean, and his dark sense of sarcastic humour became a thing of admiration rather than something that people found silly or even shied away from. He became the teen that was at all the parties, the social butterfly that managed to still juggle studies, and people either wanted to be with him or wanted to be him. 

And he revelled in that attention.

He drank and smoked though he knew it was bad for him. But it didn't make anything more difficult, only a few mornings. He still maintained his grades, his social life, somehow juggled the things that had always seemed so difficult for others. Some called him a pushover who would eventually burn out, others - an extremely lucky and talented guy.

He could only guess that this luck that they spoke of had ran out.

It hadn't even been reckless teenagers driving in the dead of night after partying, no. It had been a road trip that they had suddenly agreed upon with the arrival of the summer break. The winding roads had been deemed dangerous and they had made sure to pay close attention to carefully get through the part of highlands that they had no way of avoiding.

The man driving the small van had swerved on the road and ended into their lane very suddenly. It was only because of Tuck, who had been at the steering wheel, that they hadn't had a face first collision with it.

That single pull of the steering wheel to save them all had sent them through the metal railing somehow. Dan could barely remember how it happened. All he recalled was the tumbling, the screams, the crashing and the pain.

So, so much pain.

It was an excruciating feeling that he remembered last before passing out and it was that same feeling that had made him come out of it momentarily. He recalled only a couple of things in between; the ringing in his head, the way that the dusty sun rays would try to tickle his bleeding nose, the way that there was the taste of iron in his mouth and that when he tried to move, the pain that shot through the entirety of his body made him fall right back into the darkness.

When Dan came to his senses next, the world was a mess of stuffiness in his head and stiffness throughout his whole body. It took a while to fully regain his senses and even then it had only been the beginning.

There had been five of them.

Even before Dan had fully come to it, they had buried one of them.

Tuck had paid with his life, saving the rest of them in the process.

Days were a mixture of bleary consciousness and flashy, uncomfortable dreams. The sedatives burned out and the pain set in. He tried to work through it, but it was hard when his limbs were as broken as his spirit seemed to be when days began losing their meaning one by one, and he was still largely bound to the hospital bed.

Until finally he was released and tried to get back into the life as he had known it before. 

As easy as the task had seemed, he soon realised that it was far from it. His bedroom was upstairs, but the stairs were his enemies when the rest of the world remained at the bottom of them. So it was only several weeks into being back at home that Dan finally could close the doors behind himself and have the privacy again. 

And as he lied in his bed, staring up at the soft hue of the fairy lights on his ceiling, he found himself thinking. He wanted to forget about the time in the hospital, about the procedures, the medication and the removal of the stitches from where the bones in his right arm had fractured and pierced his skin. He didn't want to remember the pain in his spine that would come and go, decreasing over time yet still an obvious reminder of what had happened. He wanted to find more purpose to his days than just healing again. He wanted something else to fill his mind aside from the terrors and sadness, the anger that came with the discomfort and the silence that he opted for because when his mind was stuck in one lane, his lips stayed silent.

Silence was never quiet though. Every pause between each shift was filled in by that sound in his ears, in his head, and though at first he ignored it, soon he found himself craving for the background sounds to never end. He found peace in music as it took place in his life more than it had before, through the day and night, softly murmuring in the background of everything.

Before he knew it, it was time to try again, to return to school and try to catch up on what he had missed. After all it was his last year before the A levels and Dan took pride in his smarts.

Now as he limped through the hallways towards the English classroom however, he felt weighed down by everything. He wanted to be in his bed again, under the covers, playing the music on his old player on shuffle just to drown out the world a little better.

He stopped, eyes downcast as he stared at the rubber tip of his crutch, and it took him a moment to realise that he had been holding his breath, until he gasped softly. There was heat in his face and he took a moment to compose himself before looking up again.

 

“Good morning,” Someone greeted him with a smile and a wave and it took Dan by surprise when the boy that he didn't recall ever seeing passed by with the greeting before walking right into the classroom. There was no pity in that action, only friendliness that Dan had nearly forgotten about. 

“Hey, Dan!” Louise appeared as if out of the blue and that made Dan jump only to hiss under his breath when his bad ankle wobbled uncomfortably. 

“I don't need more health issues, Louise,” He held his free hand over his heart where it actually beat faster than necessary, but played it off as being dramatic. All that play melted though, when he saw the worry in her eyes and Dan pressed his lips in a thin line for a moment before clarifying, “It was a joke.”

“I know,” She replied almost instantly before looking away and her grip on the book that she was holding tightened visibly, “But I can't ignore what happened, so you joking about it so easily...” She trailed off.

That made the bitterness in Dan's soul grow and it showed in the way the corners of his mouth drooped more, “I don't want to dance around it. It happened but I want to focus on other things finally.”

“Of course, love,” Her tone was soft, motherly and as much as Dan wanted to be angry, he couldn't. It was Louise, and they had been friends since Dan had transferred to this school in fifth grade. He knew she wished him well and always worried about him. 

“Let's get to class?” Dan suggested when the silence extended between them too long and she nodded, offering Dan her soft, bright smile. 

The classroom was buzzing with noise, and at first nobody seemed to notice that Dan was in the room. He appreciated the anonymity, as he struggled to settle in his seat and with the zipper of his backpack which suddenly was stuck. Mutely, he nodded a thanks when Louise finally couldn't watch his struggle anymore and reached out to unzip it and began pulling out Dan's textbooks and pens. 

It was a light touch to his shoulder that startled Dan enough that some of the students finally noticed him, but Dan ignored them and instead looked up only to see Mrs. Barlow, his English teacher smiling down at him, “Welcome back, Daniel,” She said before looking up at Louise, ”Let me know if you need any help with catching up. I'm sure Louise is ready to fill you in though.”

“Glad to be back,” Dan managed to insert before the teacher began down the rows to the front of the classroom.

The stares were back, they made Dan's skin crawl. He fiddled with the pen, trying to stubbornly stare at the blackboard through the forest of people, but the stares burned on his skin like fire. 

Before he knew it, his eyes had trailed over to an empty seat and his heart ached at the sight. It was easy to imagine Tuck sitting there, doodling in his textbook out of boredom as the teacher spoke. Now it was only a ghost of memory that Dan saw and it hurt to know that it would fade and be washed away as they time passed.

Throat dry, he swallowed and looked down at the table where his fingers were gripping the pen with enough strength that he felt the ghostly pains return, shooting through the length of his right arm unpleasantly but not unfamiliarly. He let the pen roll onto the table when he released it, hoping that the feeling would subside, but instead it felt like it was growing, expanding and he had forgotten just how uncomfortable the wooden seats were. His back was stiff and he shifted, but it only made it worse. Fingers gripped at the edge of the table and he squeezed his eyes shut, the ringing making the words of his teacher blur into an incomprehensible mess. His knuckles were turning white but he didn't see it and it was only when another pain shot through the length of his arm and he gasped that the words finally reached him.

“Daniel? Are you alright?” The voice of Mrs. Barlow finally broke through the ringing and his eyes snapped open and he looked up quickly, the hood falling back a little and he quickly reached out with his good hand to tug it back over his eyes.

“May I excuse myself?” Dan asked, ignoring her question and the looks from his classmates, and reached out for the crutch to clumsily pull himself back onto his feet. He needed to get out, he needed fresh air.

As he limped out into the hallway, he leaned against the wall, resting the back of his head against the wall too, and breathed in and out several times until everything seemed to become numb again.

He could hear the voices, muffled by closed doors, all around and down the length of the hallway. There was some discussion in one class, some yelling in another, door opened and closed somewhere further away. It was like life had not changed one bit though one less body occupied the premises.

With a quiet grunt, Dan pushed himself away from the wall and began his trek down the hallway slowly, the rubber of the crutch against the floor creating a strange cacophony mixed in with the sound of Dan's shuffling feet and heavy breaths. His mind was full, but he tried to push those thoughts away and slowly, slowly, as he neared the bathrooms it seemed like he was finally making sense of the whirling memories and ideas. 

He reached out to push the door open when it was suddenly pulled open from the inside.

What Dan was faced with was somebody he hadn't seen in months. Somebody whose voice was starting to fade in his mind and whose face was also riddled with little scars much like Dan's though Dan could spot clumsy attempts of trying to cover them up with makeup probably stolen from the older sister.

“Matt,” Dan gasped out barely above a whisper and the blonde seemed to snap out of his surprise at that. Dan didn't even notice the rigidness of the other boy's stance; as soon as he was faced with his friend, he was hit with the heaviness of the reality stronger than ever. All that shit had really happened and they were left to try and pick up the pieces which Dan felt himself falling apart into now. He had felt so stable and now it was gone and he was crashing and burning. 

All his lips formed was a pitiful, pained sound, as he spoke, “He's gone.”

That made Matt tense up even more and he looked away, “He is.”

Dan wanted to say more, to ask more, to seek for a solution, but it was silence that set between the two and Matt kept stubbornly staring down the hallway and avoiding looking at Dan. “Listen, I have to get back to class,” Finally Matt spoke and without giving Dan a chance to respond, carefully pushed past and almost ran. Dan kept watching until he disappeared around the corner. 

He felt so cold. 

So alone. 

Abandoned.

It felt like an eternity had passed until Dan finally moved again, turning away from the bathrooms and beginning his limp down the hall and towards the exit. The yard was wet, the weather drizzling lightly and the air crisp cool, turning Dan's breaths into small puffs of white as he carefully made his way towards the gym building. 

The cold entered his lungs and expanded from his chest to the ends of all of his limbs, making him shiver, but he continued on until he leaned against the dark bricks on the gym building where the noise on the inside indicated an ongoing lesson. He remained there, allowing the hood to fall back and felt the thin drizzle greedily begin covering his face and soak his hair, making it curl again at the ends. 

It was cold but with the coolness some peace took over and he looked up at the sky, the thin droplets getting caught in dark lashes, where the grey clouds seemed to be endless as they hovered over the world. It was the very same sky as it always had been and it was something that rarely changed.

===

“You know that's bad for you, right?” A laughing voice suddenly spoke up, making Dan jump and nearly drop his cigarette as he rushed to hide it. Though a good student, he knew that he would get in an insane amount of trouble if any of the teachers caught him smoking. 

Thankfully, it was a friendly face that he saw, even if he could see a bit of judgement in those eyes.

“Tuck,” Dan breathed in relief, bringing the cigarette out from behind him and put it between his lips again to take another drag before he blew the smoke at his friend, “You nearly scared me to death, you twat,” He laughed when Tuck scrunched up his face and brought his hand up to wave the smoke away.

“I don’t think you’ll need me for that,” Tuck gave another pointed glare at the cigarette and Dan rolled his eyes, grinning at his friend.

“Come on, Mr. Starling was stressing everyone out talking about the upcoming tests. I deserve something to calm me down.”

“As if _you_ of all people would be stressed about the tests,” Tuck just shook his head when Dan laughed. He took another drag before dropping the cigarette butt and stepped on it until he extinguished it.

“Fine, it’s out, it was the only cigarette of the day,” Dan brought his hands up defensively when Tuck gave him a stare that said that he didn’t believe Dan, “I promise. I don’t have any more on me,” And as if to case the point, he pulled out the empty cigarette pack and showed it to the other boy.

“Are you going to that party tomorrow? At Julien’s place,” Tuck changed the subject with ease, making Dan smile brightly and fondly.

“I wouldn’t miss it even if you paid me, you know that.”

===

The ringing of the bell drew Dan out of his memories and he blinked a couple of times until his vision cleared and he looked over at the main building. He was cold, the rainwater slowly beginning to seep through the threads of his clothing, but he didn’t want to go back to the class. He hated the stares and the emptiness of that seat at English was still haunting him. 

Dan understood though, that if he disappeared that they would go looking for him, would call his parents and cause a scene. Every day he was struggling with the guilt for having made his parents worried, for the little lines of concern that had found their permanent residence on his mother’s face, the constant protectiveness of his father, the way that Adrian was always nearby, trying to get Dan's attention as if he had missed it terribly and was trying to regain the missed time.

So, despite how much he didn’t want to return, he tugged the hood over his head again and began a slow limp back towards the main building.

===

“Where have you been?” Louise asked as soon as she spotted Dan and the relief was clear on her features as she walked up on him, “Have you been outside?” She noted the way Dan's clothing was clearly wet and frowned.

Dan just shrugged and reached out for his backpack that she was holding on and reluctantly she let it go only for Dan to throw it over his shoulder, “I needed some fresh air,” Dan half-lied when she gave him another questioning look, and she sighed, shaking his head.

“Please be careful and don't disappear like that anymore,” She asked and when Dan shrugged again, she rolled her eyes and blew a kiss at him, “I have to run, but I will see you tomorrow, okay?” And just like that, she was gone and Dan stood on the side of the busy hallway, watching as the people passed by. It was almost like in a blur, everything seemed so unclear and he allowed his attention to trail off with it. 

“Sorry, where’s the Art class?” A voice drew Dan out of his daydream and he looked up to see the same boy who had greeted him in the morning and no matter how hard Dan racked his brain, he found no name to attach to the face. 

“Hello?” The stranger waved his hand in front of Dan's face when Dan didn't reply and Dan felt his whole attention zone back in and he looked away from the blue-eyed man’s pale face and down at the printed schedule that he was holding up.

“Yes, sorry,” Dan reached out to take the schedule, eyes finding the class number, “It's on the second floor, up that stairway,” He pointed the direction out and the boy followed with his gaze, nodding energetically at the directions, “It should be on the right side unless they have moved the classroom suddenly.”

The stranger laughed, a little nervous edge to his voice, “I hope they don't, I've been struggling to find my classes already without that.”

Dan allowed a fond laugh to fall from his lips, “Good luck with that then.” 

The stranger wasn't moving though and Dan arched his brow at him, “What?”

“Can I uh,” The other boy motioned at Dan's hands, “Get my schedule back. I'll probably travel to the Jupiter by accident without it.”

“Oh yes, sorry,” Dan held the paper up and the stranger took it before waving at Dan and rushing off with an apology when the bell rang.

Dan watched him go, almost turn towards the wrong stairway, but finally rushing up the right one two steps at a time. Only when the stranger had disappeared, did Dan turn to limp towards his next class, already feeling the dread searing in his bones.

===

“Hey honey,” His mum got out of the car when Dan approached it but he shook his head when she began to walk around it to help him.

“Let me,” He muttered and she retreated, only watching with mild concern in her dark eyes as Dan opened the door, tossed the backpack in the back seat before pulling himself into the backseat too, instantly strapping himself in. His heart was beating fast, and he swallowed several times, to try and remedy the painful dryness in his throat. 

“Ready?” She asked when she had climbed back into the driver’s seat and the belt clicked. Dan shook his head at that, digging into his bag to pull out his headphones and began the music. Only then did the car start, and the vibrating of the vehicle made the hair on the back of Dan's neck stand. He curled up in his seat as much as he could, leaning against the door as he did so and tugged his hood so far over his eyes that he couldn't see anything. 

He tried to ignore the feeling of movement, turning the music up louder before he closed his eyes and curled in on himself more when the car turned to join the city traffic. Every little road bump made him tense up and his head was starting to hurt with the fright and exhaustion. It felt like the trip lasted forever, until he suddenly felt the engine stop and a light touch to his arm.

When Dan looked up, he saw him mum speaking and he could read the words ’We’re home’ on them. Clumsily he climbed out of the car, letting the headphones fall from his head and around his neck instead and while leaning heavily on the crutch began to limp towards the house. 

“Dan?” His mum called out and he stopped, looking over his shoulder at her where she was softly smiling at him, “Your bag,” She brought the worn down bag up and Dan returned her smile with his tired one.

“Thanks mum,” He murmured lowly as he wrapped his fingers around the strap. She didn't let it go right away, making him look up and he saw the way she was trying to study his face, try to see behind the tired expression.

She never pried though and Dan was thankful.

“Go get some rest, I'll make dinner,” Finally she released his bag and Dan nodded at her.

“Thank you,” And when he turned to go, he spoke, without looking at her, “Love you, mum.”

He knew without checking that she had said it back in that same manner in which he had read her pain in so many times in the past months. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heyhey! Due to my busy schedule, there might be a delay for the next week's chapter, but I will try to have it up on time! My main concern is to give you quality updates, after all <3

Dan grunted in pain as he stirred awake. 

Slowly, he tried to turn over to his side, but it was the stiffness of his back that made it so much harder. His right arm felt numb, his feet were tangled in the blanket and he found the he had no strength to move them. So he kept shifting until he managed to roll over to his left side and looked at the time that the digital clock shone into the darkness of the night.

It was 9:27pm and at that instant Dan understood that he wouldn't be getting any more sleep that night. Come morning, he was bound to be too tired again, too far outside the regular world to follow it.

He began moving his fingers and toes slowly, allowing the feeling to return to the stiff limbs and he watched as the minutes ticked away one by one until he managed to pull himself to sit up. His head hurt, the feeling extending from his back and the ringing that kept going on, intensifying momentarily when his body tensed when rising up, only to calm down after a few breaths.

Painkillers were right there in his reach on the old nightstand and he stared at the package for a moment before finally the pressure in his head made him heave a sigh. The two white pills rolled onto his open palm when Dan shook the bottle and he threw them in his mouth before reaching for the glass of water to help him swallow the medicine. The water was lukewarm, dissatisfying but he kept drinking until the last droplets landed on his tongue and he set the glass down, lying back down on his bed, his arms spread to either side of him.

He knew they would take time to kick in, and it was only time that Dan had left to give in his life, so he lied there, staring at the softly illuminated ceiling until he felt like he could push himself up again without feeling like his skull was going to burst. Gingerly, he stripped off the wrinkly hoodie that had dried over the course of the day but now smelled like Dan would've left it in the washing machine for a few days too long. He threw it in the washing basket and his shirt soon joined it. Slowly he made his way across his room, careful on his weak ankle, but stopped to stare out the window when something unexpected caught his attention.

There was an unusually bright light that seemed to be trying to break through the blinds in the room facing Dan's in the neighbouring house. He could see a figure but they seemed to be only sitting, gesticulating wildly. Nothing really changed as he kept watching the silhouette, so finally Dan lost his interest and he felt his skin prickle with the cold.

It was one of those things that he was trying to get used to still; the cold. The doctor had said it had something to do with the loss of body mass post-accident, and that it would take time to build it fully back up. It didn't help though, that it was winter that was slowly creeping up on them, making the world colder from day to day, his body still too weak to catch up. 

A clean, fuzzy hoodie on, he took to pulling off his trousers. It was a tedious task, considering that he insisted on rather skinny jeans even if he knew that it would take a lot longer to get them on and off. He found himself pausing, exhausted, several times whenever he tried to deal with the article of clothing, but eventually he succeeded and tossed them over the back of the chair before pulling on some sweatpants. 

When he looked up, the bright light in the neighbour's house had been turned off, and only a soft shine of a smaller lamp was visible and for a moment Dan thought that perhaps it had been his imagination. 

His crutch abandoned, he slowly made his way through the house, leaning heavily on the railing as he climbed the stairs. When he emerged from the staircase, his mum looked away from the TV. 

“Slept well, honey?” She asked softly and Dan merely grunted in response, nodding his head before he began shuffling towards the kitchen.

As expected, she soon joined him and as Dan sat by the kitchen table, the food was already set to heat up and she had made herself comfortable across from him. 

“How was your day?” Much like Dan had expected, she asked and Dan leaned back into his seat, absentmindedly bending and unlocking his fingers as his arm began to ache after the weight put on it had exhausted the fragile limbs.

“It was long,” Dan admitted, his eyes trailing to look around the kitchen and trying to ignore the way he felt his mum's eyes on him, how she would draw lines between the small scars on his face with her gaze. The way she would glance at his hand so he slowly lowered it but continued moving his fingers beneath the table.

“Did you learn anything new?” He felt like the conversation was forced, and it took all in him to remain calm because he barely recalled anything that the teachers had said. He remembered words on the blackboard, the numbers, the discussions that he didn’t participate in because he hadn’t caught up with the material yet. 

The most prominent memories were of the whispers, the prickling feeling on his skin, the way Matt had rushed off, and then the blue-eyed stranger that had been the only one to treat him like nothing wrong had happened to Dan.

So he shrugged, “It's hard to tell. I've missed a lot.”

She opened her mouth to continue questioning but the microwave beeped loudly, effectively interrupting her and instead of prodding further, she got up to get the food out and place it in front of Dan. Gladly, he grabbed the fork and began stuffing the warm food in his mouth, but as he chewed, he could feel her watching him still.

“Mum,” He looked up, meeting her equally dark eyes and she blinked, looking away.

“Sorry, sorry,” She murmured her apologies and stood up to busy herself around the kitchen, washing up the dishes from when the rest of the family had had their dinner earlier in the night. 

It was distress in the air that seemed to have poisoned their home. Every moment that Dan spent outside his room, he saw the signs all around. The way the furniture was still not arranged back in the regular manner from when Dan had been sleeping downstairs, unable to climb the stairs easily. The way that there were more papers attached to the little cork board in the hallway, bills and prescriptions now joining the regular pamphlets and discount vouchers. The way his parents seemed to be constantly on the edge even when everyone was at home.

The way they seemed to be so attentive of everything that involved Dan, but even more so with everything that involved Adrian.

“Can I stay home tomorrow?” Dan asked when he was done with his meal, setting the fork down thoughtfully. 

“Is something wrong?” She instantly asked and took several steps closer to Dan as if ready to help with holding him up on his feet. As if he was about to collapse on the spot and break into small pieces that would need patching up again.

He just shook his head, grimacing at the way she so readily rushed to him, and tried to reassure her, “I’m just really tired,” He admitted truthfully before the next words became a half-lie, “And I think I need to read some of my textbooks to catch up beforehand.”

It looked like she was trying to study him again, to see through him but when she found nothing, she nodded. “Alright,” She walked up close to Dan and leaned in to kiss his forehead lightly. Dan closed his eyes momentarily, feeling a multitude of emotions and thoughts fill his mind at that simple action. When she pulled away, she squeezed his shoulder gently and he looked up at her through the curly bangs, “I’ll phone the principal in the morning so he knows that everything is alright.”

And with another long look at him, she left the kitchen and Dan was left on his own, his mind too full and chest too heavy to want to move, everything he knew wrapped in that familiar ringing.

=====

When Dan woke up again, it was already afternoon and his neck was stiff from sleeping on his stomach. The fairly lights were off and the light that fell through his curtains was cold. It made him curl up with his blanket even more, his joints popping as he did so. 

It took him a while, but finally he got up, stumbling a little as he stood up and his ankle protested more noticeably after a day of exercise. 

“Shit,” He muttered under his breath though there was no reason to be quiet. He knew that he was home alone; his parents were at work, Adrian was at school and his grandparents lived back in Reading. Though both brothers had whined many times to get a dog, they never had and at that moment Dan appreciated it.

Music flowed from the speakers when he attached the old player to them and Dan opened his laptop to pull up his schedule from school, fully intending to try and study. It was only after he had sat by the table, staring absentmindedly at the screen for a good fifteen minutes, that he noted the way his stomach was rumbling. It was useless to try, he realised, to study on an empty stomach, but there was a bit of guilt in not at least giving it a go. 

He looked up and out his window and noted that the blinds of that same room were drawn, revealing an unclear variety of posters on the wall and some random things that Dan couldn’t make out.

There was no indication of what had caused the bright light however. 

Curiosity left hanging, he looked away, pulling up Youtube to search for new music. The one bright side of having been out for so long was all the music that he had missed out on and if the shelf full of CDs was not an indication to Dan's love for music, then the additional box of vinyls and the poster had to spell it out for just about anyone.

But now it was with bitterness that he pulled up the new videos, knowing that the one person that he could've shared the experience and opinions with was buried six feet under. 

His chest constricted at the first notes of the song and Dan closed the laptop, unable to continue when the reality settled in painfully. 

Dan felt his face heating up, his eyes watering, and the memories flooded his brain; the first interactions with his friends, the day when one of those friendships was sewered forever, the look of Matt's face just the other day. 

Before he knew it, a tear rolled down Dan's cheek and he wiped it away swiftly and cleared his throat. 

His chest hurt more than anything else.

And suddenly he felt so incredibly lonely.

=====

His phone buzzed, drawing Dan out of his wrinkled-forehead thoughts as he was leaning over the Maths textbook, trying to figure out the equations. None of it made sense and whenever he thought that he was getting close to understanding something, his attention drifted and the numbers began to morph in his mind until the equation didn’t make sense anymore. And his face felt so bloated after the tears had stopped and it seemed that even if he kept washing his face, the feeling would never go away.

“Hey, Louise,” He picked up, glad for the distraction.

“Could've told me you wouldn't come today,” She seemed a little hurt on the other end and Dan bit at his lip.

“Sorry.”

“Whatever, I'll bring you the copy of the English reading tomorrow?” He could hear her linger, the question clear in her words.

“I will text you, I'm not sure if I will come tomorrow,” He looked over at the textbook and closed it, finally defeated.

“Alright... Do you want me to come over, maybe? I can bring the book around, if you prefer?” He sould hear the softness, the concern and even if he knew that it would be for the best, he couldn't find it in himself to invite the girl over.

Instead, he bit at his lip again, then shook his head even though she couldn’t see him, “Not today Louise, but I'll call you if anything changes.”

“Alright. Please don't disappear on me, Dan, it's been lonely without your comments in class.''

“I won't, I promise,” He smiled, laughing into the receiver; she had always been the one to hush him when he started to quietly sass the teachers and other students, “I'll make sure to annoy you soon again in the next.”

He could hear how her words were happy but there was a forced edge that remained there until they said their goodbyes. 

When the line went dead, he looked down at the phone and there was a frown on his features. The loneliness was prominent, his heart still hurt, but he couldn't imagine being around her now, he didn't want to see the same looks, hear the same concerns, to have her constantly worry about helping him.

With a sigh, he pocketed his phone; he didn't want to think about it.

Dan ventured downstairs, the music turned up loud enough that it filled the house evenly. He was about to open the fridge when the doorbell rang and he paused. It was silent after that so he assumed the sound to have been his imagination and pulled the fridge door open, and began considering his options for early dinner when the doorbell rang again, then - once more.

So he hadn't imagined it after all. 

Slowly, Dan limped out of the kitchen and stared at the front door. His parents were still at work and even if they wouldn't have been, they didn't need to ring the bell. Same with Adrian who was supposed to finish school in two more hours. He knew that he had agreed with Louise that she wouldn't appear unannounced, but he couldn't figure out who else would have the reason to come to his place. It couldn't be Matt; as much as he could hope for it, he had seen it in his whole posture that something had broken between the two friends. Neither D'aja nor Trissa knew his address. 

Finally curiosity won over the worries and he opened the door just enough to look through the crack. 

To his surprise, he recognised the boy who stood there, looking down at his phone confused before he looked up and his face instantly lit up with a smile, ''Thank God, I thought I got the wrong address somehow.”

Dan blinked at the other boy and slowly let door fall open further, just blinking at the stranger, wondering why he was there and how in the world had he found him anyway. 

It seemed that he could read Dan's mind because he stuffed his phone in his pocket, “I live just next door,” He motioned at the house and when Dan looked at it he realised it was the same one that he could see from his bedroom window, the same which had had the weird light coming from it. 

“Since when?” The words escaped Dan's lips before he could give them a second thought and he rushed to clarify, feeling some redness touch his cheeks in embarrassment, “That is, I have lived here for a while now and I've never seen you before?”

“Oh, I moved in during the summer,” Phil paused, then kind of motioned in Dan's direction, “And I uh, heard what happened, so I guess we never had the pleasure to meet.” 

At that Dan frowned. Suddenly he became hyper-aware of the way he was leaning on right leg too much, the way that his scarred face was out in the broad daylight and in front of this stranger, the way that he was still too thin and looked more tired than not constantly. It made him wish that he had pretended that he wasn't at home and had never opened the door for the guy, even if the music was loud enough, flowing through the entirety of the house.

“Why are you here?” Dan asked, his voice lower and frown taking place on his features as he looked away from the stranger’s face and down at his shoes. Worn tennis shoes was what he was staring at and Dan wished that he had the insignificance of the the loose threads as on those shoes. Maybe then he wouldn't have to deal with all this attention. 

What he didn't see was the way the stranger's face fell at Dan's reaction.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel bad,” He pulled off his backpack and reached inside it to pull out a messy stack of papers and held them out to Dan who looked at them questioning before finally allowing himself to look the stranger in the face. 

He was jealous of this other boy; though Dan had never explicitly stated it, he had forever been self-conscious about his looks. His cheeks always felt too round, the dimples that so many people liked seemed like a deformity on his cheeks, his hair was a wild curly mess that he had to tame all the time by straightening them. And then this stranger - with his square chin, the blue eyes that shone brightly, with a black mop of a fringe that contrasted his pale face so perfectly, and with lips that were so full and lovely. He looked like everything Dan could have aspired to be.

“They thought it would be good if I brought you the homework so you don't fall behind,” The other boy explained and Dan reached out to take the papers, looking at the amount of text on them, “But to be honest, everything is so unnecessarily complicated this semester that I feel like I will go insane before Christmas.” The stranger laughed and Dan was caught by surprise at how the skin around his eyes crinkled, how the laughter seemed to reach every inch of the other boy's face and how it lit him up even more though Dan had thought it impossible.

“Yeah, it's been…. Challenging,” Dan added when the other boy stopped laughing, scrunching up his face as he tried to find the right word to describe it. 

“I’m Phil, by the way,” The stranger, no, Phil, held out his hand a little too formally while introducing himself out of the blue, “Thanks for showing me the way yesterday, I think the arts teacher is about to lock me out of the class with how often I'm late. But honestly, he keeps changing the location all the time. I don't know how anyone can ever be on time!”

Dan let a small smile finally take place of the frown when Phil continued on, looking genuinely offended and confused by the teacher in question. 

Finally, he reached out and awkwardly took Phil's hand giving it a weak squeeze when his fingers refused to lock properly, “I'm Dan. And Mr. Hoggins' class is something that you will need time to get used to, but he's a good guy in the end, just likes punctuality.” 

Phil returned the squeeze and they shook before releasing their hold and Dan hugged the papers to his chest as the silence between the two continued, neither sure how to end this.

The song in the background changed and Phil's eyes grew wide and excited in an instant, “You like Radiohead?” 

It was such an unexpected question that Dan took a second to respond, but when he did, he grinned at Phil, “Like them? I own every record that they have released and I've seen them live.”

Phil’s lips formed a 'wow' of awe at that and he looked so genuinely impressed that Dan shifted a little, looking at the street behind Phil. His family weren't going to be back for a while, and he had honestly given up on studying. It couldn't hurt having somebody over, right?

“Do you, uh,” Dan stepped back a little, awkwardly, “Want to come in or something? I can get you some tea, coffee? I have a bunch of records too if you want to have a look.” He looked down at the papers, “And to dear heavens I need help with the homework.”

“You sure?” Phil seemed so excited that Dan could imagine that he was going to take off from the ground as soon as he would move. Of course, he never did, and instead he carefully stepped inside the house, instantly looking around when he crossed the threshold with an unmasked curiosity. 

Dan merely closed the door and shuffled past Phil. He tried not to think about how he would explain his presence to his parents, if they would manage to meet when crossing paths.

“Are you going to stand there for the rest of the day?” Dan humoured before he began his limp to the kitchen. He tried to steady his gait, not wanting to let the other guy know just how badly his ankle hurt. His fingers itched to tug the hood over his eyes again, but he knew that it wouldn't go unnoticed so instead he, chewing at his lip, dropped the stack of papers on the kitchen table and filled and started the kettle. 

“Tea?” He asked when Phil appeared in the kitchen door without his jacket and shoes on, looking around as if he was unsure of where he belonged.

“Coffee, please?”

Dan nodded and shuffled around, opening the cupboard only to pause when he noticed that the coffee was on the top shelf. He always needed some leverage to reach those shelves, but usually there was nobody around to see how the nearly six foot tall man struggled with reaching the very top shelf, awkwardly going on his tippy toes and stretching his whole body to reach it. He often complained about his parents installing these cupboards just to annoy him because otherwise he could reach just about everything.

“Do you need help?” Phil offered and Dan’s teeth dug into his lip. The annoyance was the first thing that he felt, then came the shame and it weighed him down like a heavy blanket. He tried to shake it off; after all, he had promised Phil coffee and the other boy //was// taller than Dan.

So, finally, he heaved a sigh and turned around, leaning his back against the counter, as he looked up at Phil and nodded.

Without another word, Phil dropped his bag on the chair and went to retrieve the coffee container. His shirt rode up, when Phil reached up and Dan found himself a little distracted by that exposed patch of skin.

No, Dan had to remind himself that he had to keep his secret. He shook his head and tried to get the thoughts out of his mind, and //God// why was that ringing so persistent today?!

“No?” Phil asked, confused, and that drew Dan out of his thoughts only to see Phil holding the container, looking down at it confused before looking up at the shelf again, “Did I get the wrong one? I don’t see anything else, unless you keep your coffee in flour bag?”

“Sorry, yes, that's the one,” Dan offered Phil a smile who returned it though there was a little bit of confusion still hidden behind the blue irises. Dan ignored it though, grabbing a cup for himself and for Phil just as the electronic kettle turned off.

“My mum always complains when I drink coffee in the evening,” Phil inhaled, holding the mug up to his face, his eyes closed, “But I really can’t go through the whole day without at least two cups. I have no idea how people do it.” And with that, he took a tentative sip only to scrunch his face.

Dan just watched him with an odd kind of amusement in his chest; what an odd creature Phil seemed to be so far and something told Dan that it was only the tip of an iceberg. 

“I think I burned my tongue,” Phil said sheepishly as he lowered the cup and pouted at Dan.

“Well, that usually to happen when you try drinking a scalding hot beverage,” Dan rolled his eyes at Phil and laughed when Phil pouted even more. “Come on, let's go upstairs.” He grabbed the papers and held onto the mug only to pause when the two arrived at the stairs. 

Being at home had its advantages and the main was that nobody could see him. 

“Can you take these, I forgot something,” He lied as he turned towards Phil, but it was clear that Phil knew. To Dan’s relief however, the other boy readily agreed, took the mug from Dan and stuffed the papers under his arm.

“Which is your room?”

“I think you'll be able to tell when you see it,” Dan smiled thankfully and watched as Phil began to climb the stairs and Dan aimlessly limped back into the kitchen. His face dropped once he entered the room, and he leaned his elbows against the kitchen counter, cradling his head into his hands, his head too full of whispering demons.

They reminded him of how he got here and blamed him for not being well yet. 

And he felt so tired all of a sudden and so absolutely ugly. 

He could feel the scars when he didn't see them. He avoided looking in the mirror too much, because he would start counting the little nicks all over his skin. And once he began, he could never stop, and he would count all those on his body, some more gruesome than others, but all a clear indication of the happenings of that day. How he was still weak and broken and how bloody helpless he felt with the most minor tasks at times.

It haunted him day and night.

He drew deep breaths, one after the other and slowly brushed his fingers through the unruly curls that he hadn’t bothered to try and straighten that day. He tried not to think about it much, and instead kept on rubbing his head, his face, until the feeling subsided enough that he could look up properly again. 

There were things to deal with and he wasn’t sure where to begin.

But there were more pressing matters on hand right now.

Such as the guest up in his room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop! This take longer than intended, and I'm sorry about that but I hope you enjoy this chapter nevertheless! From now on I will be updating this every 1-3 weeks according to how much school workload I have to deal with in between. Sorry about that but I want to give you all quality updates <3

It had taken a while, but finally Dan pushed the door to his room wide open, a pack of biscuits under his arm, only to toss them at Phil when the other boy looked up. “Mum seems to like rearranging things in the most bizarre ways lately,” He lied easily as he motioned at the sweets and Phil gladly grabbed one and bit into it happily.

“Your collection is impressive,” Phil complimented, too distracted by the rows of CDs and the box of vinyls to note the way Dan had been absent longer than he should have been, even in his roughened up state. Dan was thankful for the distraction though, and carefully watched as Phil reached out to pull one of the CDs out and Dan took the moment to switch the song that was playing in the background, lowering the volume before he settled down on his bed, partially out of laziness, partially - tiredness. 

“I've been trying to get my hands on this!” Phil waved the CD around in a way Dan could barely make out the cover, “But it's always either sold out or I can't afford it on the go.” 

He shifted at that, leaning his weight forward, a little bit, his feet on the ground keeping him from toppling over, the stiffness too prominent in his lower back again, “I usually raid the second hand stores and there's a couple of forums where you can exchange with other people,” He explained, something in him desperate to clear the situation. It was like a knot in the centre of his being was making him fear something that didn't make any sense, words taking lead over thought easily, “I can show you.”

Somehow the boy in front of him seemed to be the exact opposite of Dan, relaxed completely and fitting in so easily with his surroundings though it was a space Dan had created for himself. 

It was scary in a way that Dan couldn't explain.

There was something so genuine in everything Phil did and said. When his emotions changed, they took over the entirety of his features. When he moved - it felt like he was doing it in a way that shifted the world around him instead. Something about the other boy seemed so open, all evil purified as soon as it touched him, despite how cliche Dan realised it sounded.

He was an absolute stranger to Dan, yet something about him felt like had known one another for ages. 

And perhaps it was the familiarity that made him tense; Dan had never made actual friends easily, always careful about their intents until they proved themselves harmless in some way. It was not like Dan to feel this thoroughly comfortable in someone's presence and that, ironically enough, made him uncomfortable. 

“You can borrow some, if you want?” Dan found himself saying and it was clear at that moment that Phil didn't know him at all, that they had no real past that their interaction would bounce off. Because anyone who knew Dan, knew how protective he was of his collection. 

They would ask him what changed his mind? Or why he didn't give his usual list of rules.

Instead what Phil responded with was unashamed joy.

“Really? I promise I'll take a good care of them!”

And for some reason Dan believed him.

===

“How do any of these even make sense?” Dan dropped his pen on the open book in annoyance when the calculations kept getting away from him, no matter how carefully he tried to write them down in the notebook. 

The pack of biscuits laid empty on the edge of the table, the crumbs dotting the surface around it.

“Honestly, I've never been good at maths,” Phil scratched his head with the back of the pen before he lied back on Dan's bed. 

It had taken about fifteen minutes of going through the CDs, Phil carefully picking out a couple to borrow, and another five before he had comfortably settled on the edge of Dan's bed as the two discussed the genres and even managed to argue over the best songs within the albums in question. 

It was such a nice, natural change, that Dan felt a bit of peace with the world settling in his bones, easing the numb tingling that was ever present. The discomfort liked to melt away as if Phil's voice had the power to wash it out of Dan's system effortlessly.

It made Dan almost feel like he was leading the same normal life as before, that nothing had interrupted it, changed it.

But that magical sensation shattered when Phil's phone buzzed once, twice, a dozen times that couldn't be ignored, and finally the other boy sheepishly excused himself to reply to whatever had come up. 

Dan wondered about the friends Phil had and what they thought when Phil had left. Did they miss him? Probably, because it hadn't taken even two minutes until the phone buzzed again and Phil rather hurriedly turned to respond. 

Dan wondered - did they feel the same as Dan felt when thinking of Tuck.

Probably not, Dan soon concluded, because Phil was alive and whenever someone messaged him, he responded. Meanwhile Dan could only longingly look down at his phone, knowing that it will never again carry the voice of his friend, no matter the amount of calls and texts Dan would end up receiving. He was gone for good while Phil had only moved from one place to another.

There was a bit of jealousy that sparked in Dan's being but he swallowed the knot in his throat, shaking the feeling away before it could make its home in him.

“Somebody sure misses you,” Dan finally commented when the phone buzzed for the millionth time and Phil just laughed.

“Yeah,” His response was curt and the way it was said left something hanging in the air. When Dan looked over, he saw the way the screen turned dark again and how Phil pocketed the device all whilst still lying on Dan's bed like it was his own.

“Screw this,” Dan said, finally giving up when he looked down at the numbers again and realised that they had lost all their meaning in the small moment of distraction. He slammed the book shut and leaned back in the chair, spinning himself just enough to fully face Phil. “I don't even want to study mathematics after I'm done here.”

“Tell me about it,” Phil followed suit, reaching out to push his book off the bed and it fell flatly on the floor with a muffled sound against the carpet. 

It was a strange reminisce of something inside Dan's skull and he felt how his whole body tensed, only to shudder visibly before the tension passed. Cold bled into his limbs, making him feel colder than he already had and absentmindedly he wrapped his arms around himself to try and keep himself warm. It took a moment until he noted that Phil was looking at him, having pushed himself up enough to lean on his elbows.

Dan knew the feeling though, as sudden and strange it was. He swallowed and he felt how his chest was tight with the beating of his heart and how the ringing in his ears mixed with the heavy thumps. He felt the dryness in his mouth and the way that the cold took over more and more and he wanted to hug himself tighter as if holding himself would help with keeping the warmth from escaping his body.

“Hey, Dan,” The voice sluggishly drew him out from the inside of his mind where numbness had settled in a terrifying manner that no matter how hard Dan fought on his own never quite retreated as easily as he'd will it to. He blinked several times until his eyes focused on the other boy who watched him with his brows slightly furrowed, a crease in his forehead forming concern.

It was then that he realised that he was shivering violently.

“J-just cold,” Dan cleared his throat, feeling his lips tremble, making the words less legible. He pushed himself onto his feet, the world underneath them feeling extremely unstable and his ankle suddenly less reliable than he had hoped it would be. He didn't even realise that he had stopped until he felt a light touch to his shoulders and the weight around his shoulders.

“I shouldn't be hogging up all the blankets, your room is pretty chilly,” Phil was close and had draped a blanket over Dan's shoulders, carefully wrapping it around the shivering boy. The words were genuine and there was worry in Phil's eyes but it was soft and open, it wasn't dark with sorrow. It was silent and it took a moment before Dan realised that he was staring. He shook his head, trying hard to clear it and felt as the initial feeling began to pass.

“Sorry, I think I've exhausted myself in the last days,” Dan lied weakly, lips forming a half-hearted smile and even if it was clear that Phil saw right through it, the other boy didn't point it out. Instead he nudged Dan lightly and Dan followed suit, sitting on the bed, cocooned in the blanket, back against the headboard. His lids were heavy, but he wasn't tired enough to sleep, so he let them close.

The music kept on playing in the background, and he could hear Phil as the other boy shifted. He could hear the clothing rub together as the other moved, and the sound of Phil's phone unlocking and then locking again a moment later. 

“Thanks for being so nice to me,” Phil's words were sudden and Dan opened his eyes, the world bleary before them momentarily, indicating that perhaps he was more tired than he had realised. “It's so hard to find your place when moving, and starting at a new school. I mean people have been nice and all, but it never goes beyond the basic pleasantries at most.”

At that moment Dan noticed the way Phil dragged his vowels in a Norther manner; it wasn't something that he had paid attention to before. The music changed to a calmer track in the background and Phil was fiddling with his shirt, now silent as he sat at the foot of Dan's bed. 

“Why did you move?” Dan's lips formed the words and as soon as they were out, a little bit of blush coloured his cheeks, and he shook his head, “I mean-- You don't have to explain. But you brought it up and I know nothing about you yet you're sitting on my bed and-- Bloody hell, that sounds wrong, but you know what I mean--”

It was the sound of a light laugh that finally shut him up. Something had changed in the air around the two boys, and though Phil was still smiling, there was something incredibly sad about his expression too. It felt familiar, and it dug into Dan's heart mercilessly. 

“I don't mind, it's just...” Phil as if tried to find words, the sound long and thoughtful, each syllable heavy on his lips unlike any other words that Dan had heard him say. It wasn't like Phil was unsure if he should trust Dan and more like he was trying to find a way to explain it. So Dan sat quietly, allowing the thought to form words.

Finally, Phil heaved a sigh, his hand finding the back of the head, long fingers rubbing through the short hair at the nape of his neck, “See, my parents divorced when I was seven, but they've been keeping in touch this whole time. Now dad's sick and we decided to move in with him to help him through it, because he's always been wholeheartedly supportive of us after the divorce. I couldn't fully understand it until I got a bit older, but now it's time for us to be one whole family again.”

Dan blinked at that, “Mister Lester is sick?” He felt the corners of his mouth turn down; he'd known the man for years now - the friendly older man had always been a neighbourhood favourite, willingly helping out those in need with household fixes and always with an abundance of smiles and reassurance to share with those who needed it. 

There had been a lot of speculations why he lived in such a big house alone, but the adults had trusted him so Dan didn't question it. Somehow it had never crossed his mind to actually find out more about the man, he was just a normal constant in their lives for as long as Dan had lived there.

Phil smiled a small, crooked smile but it was as if the sadness was seeping through the smallest of cracks, and his eyes were downcast for once, staring at where the fingers were pulling at the threads slowly before he released it with a sigh, “Yeah, he's been struggling for a while now.”

The silence was strange, though filled with the background of music and that same low hum ringing in Dan's ears, it was all muffled in exchange for the heaviness of the information that hung in the air between the two. 

“I'm sorry,” It was very quiet, but the words escaped him loudly enough so that Phil could understand. Instead of accepting Dan's words, Phil shook his head as if brushing them off.

“Please don't, Dan,” There was a pause, like he was trying to gather his composure though nothing had implied the budding anger, - was it anger?, - beforehand. Finally though, Phil smiled and it was without a doubt to Dan that the thin line was forced.

Dan bit at his lip, and then finally, shyly added, “I guess we're both sick and tired of pity, huh?”

It was as if he'd spoken the magical words and Phil's tension melted away and the smile turned from a grimace into something a bit more genuine. 

“I guess we are.”

===

“Dan, we're home,” The front door closed louder than it had opened and the sound along with his mum's voice registered to the two boys who had settled both on either side of the laptop between them on the bed, watching old episodes of Phil's apparently favourite show (if the excited commentary in between every five words was anything to go by). 

Studies had been long forgotten, the strange equations having eaten up all their will to put effort into them. 

“Oh no, what's the time?” Phil jumped as if burned, nearly slipping off the edge of the bed, and dug into his pocket for his phone where it had been left muted. He unlocked it only to make a face when he checked the notifications and when Dan gave him a questioning look, Phil returned it with a sheepish, “Mum tried to call me half an hour ago.”

“Yikes,” Dan slowly shifted to get off the bed, stretching uncomfortably, “You better get back to her soon.”

Phil merely hummed back in response, distracted by whatever was on his phone's screen. “Yeah, I'll head home now. I'll see you tomorrow at school?”

When Phil looked up all hopeful and genuine, Dan couldn't find it in himself to say no.

===

“Who was that, honey?” His mum was quick to ask when Dan finally made his way into the kitchen, but he ignored her until he had settled by the table, ready to join the family for dinner for once when he noted the absence of the two other family members.

“Where's Adrian? And dad?” His heart was fast to take a leap, but it was a touch to his head, his mum running her fingers through his hair in a soothing manner that calmed him before the full panic could begin though he knew it irrational.

“Adrian wanted to go to that fair, remember?”

Though vaguely, he acknowledged the flaky memory of his brother talking about the event; he couldn't quite place what it was about and no matter how much he tried to rake his brain for details, they seemed to be escaping him. It made him grumble in annoyance.

That is, until a sudden pinch at his head made him jolt, when his mum quickly pulled out a hair, “Ow, mum! What the hell?!” 

“Language, Daniel,” She reminded before waving in front of him a single hair, “A random grey hair. I used to get them your age when I was stressed.”

“Right….” He looked at the hair for a second before turning away. His hood over his head again, he leaned onto the table, his back straining momentarily before the relief set in as he tried to focus on the surroundings, the sounds calming him successfully. 

He could hear his mum bustling around the kitchen, the clinks of dishes and the sound of the stove a welcome interruption in his thoughts and he closed his eyes, a small smile gracing his features slowly. 

It had been a strange day. A lot stranger than he had expected, and suddenly Dan realised that maybe he had made a new friend. 

A new friend whose number he didn't even know, but it was a start.

“So,” His mum began and it went without her continuing that she was still pushing the earlier question.

“He came by to bring me homework since he lives next door,” Dan mumbled so unclearly that it made him wonder if she even understood, but when he heard the curious sound she made, he continued, “He seems cool.”

“Does this 'cool' boy have a name?” Her curiosity was endless and though Dan could often appreciate it, sometimes it was too much. He shifted, nuzzling his face into his arms for a quiet moment before he finally looked up, a little bleary-eyed, but there was a smile on his lips when he pronounced the name. 

“Phil. His name is Phil.”

===

“Phil,” Dan raised his voice the next day while he limped through the corridors of the school, noticing the incredibly lost-looking boy once more looking around with a deep crease in his forehead again. 

“Dan!” Phil's face seemed to light right up and it made Dan's earlier doubts about attending for the day begin to dissipate slowly. Though the day had been nice, nightmares had been quick to swallow that feeling, the memories of the crash mixing with a strange warped mess of other thoughts and ideas that he couldn't really remember after he had woken up, his whole body aching and covered in sweat, his chest heavier than felt healthy and heart beating fast enough to make him dizzy. 

“Right on time to save me from being late for a class again, aren't you?” There was a joyful softness in those words and Dan felt like a bit of a superhero under Phil's excited gaze. A temporarily mildly disabled one, but he could forget even that for a moment.

“Only if you buy me a chocolate bar at lunch,” Dan retorted with a slight tease in his voice, only to begin laughing when Phil began to pat around his pockets and then dug into his backpack.

“I'll one up you byyyyyyy...” Suddenly an actual Snickers bar was nearly jabbed in Dan's face, making him wobble a little when he took a step back, “Giving you one now in exchange for directions and some company during the lunchtime?” And by the end of it he looked so hopeful that Dan had to put a hand over his mouth, the laughter begging to escape his lips.

“What?” Phil questioned, lowering the candy bar, when Dan didn't answer and cocked his head in a manner that made Dan think of a curious dog.

It was, to say the least, - endearing.

“You're such a dork,” Reaching out to grab the candy bar out of the other boy's hands, Dan admitted and there was a momentary hesitation in Phil's expression that made him elaborate pointedly, “In the best way possible.”

That seemed to calm Phil down and Dan pocketed the candy bar before leaning against the wall and motioned towards Phil to give him the schedule, the crumpled paper soon in his hands and it was clear that Phil had folded and unfolded it more times than the material was originally intended for, the ink cracking on the folds, making the words on the creases hard to read.

“Oh, we have Biology together,” Dan smiled and admittedly his chest filled with a joy that he hadn't expected and it felt like Phil felt the same because when Dan looked up, he met excited blue eyes staring right at him, unashamedly. And perhaps there was less of a distance between them than Dan found naturally comfortable, yet he didn't mind it now. 

“Oh my God. I swear, Daniel, for someone on crutches you're still too hard to find,” Louise as if emerged from thin air, startling both of the boys and Dan realised instantly that Phil stepped back right away, arms wrapped around himself protectively.

“Louise, stop trying to make my heart stop,” Dan whined, but when she frowned he rolled his eyes, “And stop giving me those looks.”

Her attention, however, was drawn away from him quickly, “And who is this dapper man?” She was loud and happy, her voice always upbeat in a way that Dan felt jealous of at times.

“Louise, this is my friend, Phil,” Dan introduced quickly before he could even check if Phil was fine with it, but when he looked at the other boy, Phil was smiling widely, and Dan understood - they were on the same page. “Phil, this is Louise, my partner in crime since fifth grade.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Phil awkwardly extended his hand towards her in a similar manner that he had done with Dan just the day prior and Louise, her eyes wide, glanced at Dan for a moment before taking it as they shook.

“Pleasure's all mine. You're new, aren't you? What brings you here?”

She sure didn't waste her time. 

Awkwardly, Dan shifted and lightly placed his hand on her shoulder, trying to draw her away from interrogating Phil, “Did you bring me the book?” 

It worked like a charm. 

“Of course! I also brought you my notes,” The two boys watched as Louise went through her belongings, and shoved several books into Phil's hands before she finally found the right one and held it out to Dan along with a flowery notebook, “You better go through all of them this time, she was very adamant and you know Mrs. Barlow, she doesn't joke about her tests.”

“Thanks,” Without even giving the book and notes a look, he began to shuffle to get them into his own bag.

“Thank you, love,” Louise meanwhile began to collect the books from Phil. 

“You better be as lovely to Dan, or else we'll have to have a talk,” Though her voice was the same cheerful, there was an edge to it and even Dan looked up surprised at that, mouth agape for a moment as he surveyed the shorter girl who was actually staring at Phil enough to make the tall boy shift uncomfortably under her gaze.

“Louise, what--”

“Shush, Daniel,” She brought her hand up to shush him and instead stepped just that bit closer to Phil, reaching out to pinch his cheek lightly, “If I hear you mistreating him in any way, I swear I will flip.”

“I-uh, y-yeah?” Phil was clearly at loss of words, his eyes seeking out Dan who stared back at him with just as much confusion.

“Good! Well, I have to go, but I'll catch you at lunch,” She was smiling brightly at the two as if nothing had happened, before turning to pull Dan into a light hug, Dan's arm awkwardly wrapped around her shoulders momentarily before she took it and Dan felt a piece of paper placed into it.

“What was that about?” As soon as she was out of hearing distance, Phil asked, clearly unsure of how to process the situation he had just experienced.

“I have no idea,” Dan responded, looking down at the piece of paper in his hand and there was something that made him want to throw it in the trash instantly but instead he stuffed it into his pocket. When he looked up again, Phil was silently watching him, arms busy hugging his stomach again, “She's usually not like this.” Dan promised softly.

Phil opened his mouth, but the bell rung, interrupting whatever he wanted to say and Dan swore under his breath, in turn making Phil laugh, “Rude.”

“Your mum is rude,” Dan shot back without thinking and threw the bag over his shoulder, beginning his awkward traipse down the hallway, “Come on!” He called out when Phil didn't instantly follow.

He hadn't seen the change on Phil's face, where the expression had softened considerably.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this? A new chapter?? Yes indeed! Apologies for the wait once more, as university and life have been kicking my ass hand in hand. I hope you enjoy this chapter! Hopefully I will get the next chapter out sooner than this one <3

“I'm starving,” As they stepped out of the classroom, Phil announced all whilst patting his stomach which responded with a low, deep growl almost instantly. 

Dan just laughed at that, his mood severely improved by the company. It was easy to forget that everyone else was staring if there was one person who could make the whole world feel brighter and a lot more careless. It didn't hurt that Phil had been trying really hard and nearly failed holding in his laughter when Dan had made an obscenely bad pun out of the teacher's words when they were covering something about the way the photosynthesis process happened in a cell. There had even been tears in Phil's eyes and Dan couldn't remember the last time that he had felt this proud for making someone laugh.

“Just don't go on a cannibalistic rampage,” He reminded. Phil just rolled him eyes at him but Dan could spy an upturn in the corners of Phil's mouth and it was enough to make Dan feel warm. 

“I'll go all leopard on them,” Phil brought his hands up to imitate claws, baring his teeth and Dan had to stop to laugh, an arm around himself, hugging his stomach. Phil made an amused face at that, “What? I could totally leap and tackle anyone here! No athlete will have anything on hungry Phil!”

“I'm sorry, but I think height doesn't equal strength,” Dan wiped at his eyes and looked at the other boy who tried to pout, only resulting in looking adorable, but Dan shook that thought from his mind, “Besides, I think you'd somehow tackle yourself before anyone else.” To that Phil huffed only to break out in a wide grin after, unable to keep the laughter in, when called out truthfully. 

During the lesson Phil had managed to drop his bag on the ground so heavily that the contents had spilled and after gathering them, had nearly sat past his chair. Of course he complained that Dan had distracted him with his comments, and that leaning over so many times had made him lightheaded and 'I swear the chair was ten centimeters to the right', but Dan had seen right through the clumsiness and just shook his head at Phil. To know that anyone was as disastrous as Phil was kind of a reassurance to Dan and he couldn't explain it - why.

Perhaps having someone like that around was what he needed now.

He tried not to feel guilty for the selfishness that entrailed. 

It helped him to forget the contents of Louise's note that he had sneakily unfolded and read just at the beginning of the lesson.

'It seems that Matt's been spreading some rumors about you, I don't know what exactly, but I overheard some of the girls talking about you two before they noticed me.'

It had made Dan's chest physically ache, but he couldn't tell whether it was anger or sadness that started the feeling. Thankfully, it had been dulled by the laughter, Phil's antics and their easy communication coating over the worries easily, and for a moment Dan appreciated the odd lack of focus that he was still struggling with most days.

“Hey, Dan,” He snapped out of his train of thought when Phil waved his hand in front of his face and it took several blinks until he zoned in again. He hadn't even realised that they had finally reached the cafeteria and there was a queue rapidly forming behind them with a bunch of disgruntled teenagers muttering between themselves and at Dan. 

He jumped, grabbing a tray and clumsily began to pile some of the food on it.

“What's on your mind?” Phil asked curiously, while grabbing an extra scoop of the dubious-looking lunch, and Dan readjusted the crutch so he could more easily lean forward and grab a scoop too. 

“Nothing really,” He replied. Somewhere along the way that peace and joy had dissipated and he had no recollection of when that had happened. It was almost scary, how easily things slipped away from him, but he tried to keep himself level-headed though his heart was restless in his chest. After all, he recalled the doctor explaining to him and his mum how there might be some difficulties with immediate memory for a while, that they would ease eventually. Dan had never that it would be like this, though. He had always liked to daydream, which had been part of the reason why he was picked on at the previous school, but the world was always present in some form around him and to retrace steps of his thought process had been a breeze. 

“You sure?” Phil questioned again, the tone low, and Dan shot him a look, partially to tell the other boy off and partially to reassure him. It seemed to be enough and though something flashed in Phil's eyes, the other boy didn't say much.

“I wonder what kind of random stuff they put in here,” Dan picked at the food, carefully lifting his fork and eying it all whilst Phil was shovelling his portion down without a care only to pause when hearing Dan's words.

“What do you mean?” He asked unsurely, lowering the fork and Dan grinned.

“It's so heavily processed that who knows, maybe they cooked your neighbour into this,” That earned him a groan and a balled up napkin thrown at his face.

“You're sitting across from me, so I dearly hope they don't replace everyone with well-made holograms after grinding them into food,” Phil laughed, although another roll of his eyes accompanied his words.

“Of course you would,” Suddenly a voice, low and hollow, sounded behind Dan and though Dan instantly recognised it, he'd never heard it so lifeless, so cold. It made his skin crawl and he slowly lowered his fork and shifted his whole body to turn towards the source of the sound, arm rested against the back of the chair for support. When he looked up it was a familiar pair of stone cold grey eyes staring down at Dan, but instead of just a mere look, it was a glare that he was regarded with, the other boy's mouth twisted into a scowl. 

“Matt--” Dan began, tone low and timid in comparison to his old friend's, only to be interrupted.

“Of course you would continue onwards like nothing has happened, like you're the only victim,” Matt was trembling visibly though his voice was forced steady, and Dan was taken aback by the words. His gut felt hollow, too light, like he was going to be sick, the feeling of pressure building somewhere in his sinuses. He couldn't believe what he was hearing as the reality began to dawn upon him slowly like a dark, heavy blanket that was pressing him to the ground.

Yet instead he stood up, still using the back of the chair to hold himself up. He could feel eyes on them, especially the pair that burned into the back of his head where Phil watched the two boys, concerned and unsure of what to do.

“What are you saying?” He began, taking a small step forward, trying to reach out to his friend, his heart beating heavily and all of his good mood turned sour, pins and needles pinching his chest, making his throat scratchy. 

Dan was confused by the words, hurt by what they implied. It made those thoughts resurface again, now backed by the accusations of the red-faced boy. It made Dan want to hold him, hug him close and apologise.

“Matt, I--” He tried again when Matt didn't respond, instead looking he was about to combust. Dan had known Matt for years now, but never had he seen the other like this - so angry, so pained, his face full of the feelings though his eyes were still so cold as he looked at Dan. 

He recalled the smiles, the unnecessarily loud laughs only rivalled by Dan's own, the way he would always drape his arm around Dan's shoulders even though it would draw Dan down to a slouch due to their height difference. The playful teasing and poking.

He saw the hands before he could register what was going on and before Dan knew it, he felt the shove, and his clumsy joints made him stumble back harder than expected, the knees buckling and his lower back colliding with the edge of the table behind him. He released a pained gasp, arms grasping back at the edge of the table, unable to move, not only because of the pain but because Matt was suddenly crowding his space again, and the words he spat were full of malice though there was shining wetness in his eyes. “He shouldn't be dead, it's your fault.”

Before Dan could even muster up the thought to respond, somebody had jumped in, pulling Matt away from Dan and the commotion around them began to slowly zone back in on Dan. 

Matt just pulled out of the grasps, backing off all whilst still glaring daggers at Dan. “It should have been you, Howell. You, not him. I hate you!” That said, Matt retreat and before Dan knew it, he was gone, and there was only a dull ache pounding inside Dan's skull, the words echoing back over and over.

_It should have been you._

_It's your fault._

_I hate you._

“Dan,” There was urgency in the voice, and a hand laid on his shoulder, the fingers squeezing as if they wanted to hold him up, as if Dan looked like he was about to collapse on the cafeteria floor and turn to dust. “Dan, are you alright? Do you need me to call the nurse?” It took a while but the words finally took shape, filled with a familiar sound, and when Dan looked up Phil was looking at him with unmasked concern in his gaze.

Dan wanted to reach out, to hug Phil and hide away with his face in Phil's shirt as if that would make the reality go away. Instead, his hands and lips moved on their own accord, his open palm pressed flat against Phil's chest and before he knew it, he was pushing the other boy away, as much power as he could muster in the single action, “Fuck off.” 

Phil stumbled, and the world before Dan's eyes was floating. Angrily he blinked the welling tears away and grabbed for his crutch, hand shaky, and his whole body feeling lighter than it should. Before anyone could stop him, he was rushing down the hallways, moving as fast as he could, his fingers curling around the handle of the crutch so tightly his knuckles were turning white. 

He kept seeing the anger and pain in Matt's face, still heard the words echoing in his head. 

He could remember how it all had happened.

When he finally collapsed against a corner in the far end of the school library, his mind was a flash of painful memories and everything ached like it had back then.

===

“Honey?” There was a light knock on his ajar door, but Dan didn't make any effort to acknowledge it. Instead he remained still on his side, back to the door, pretending to be asleep. It was clear that his mum saw right through him though, because she continued on, her tone gentle, “Louise and Phil came by, do you want them to come up?”

Slowly, Dan closed his eyes, blocking out the view of the world, and the weariness somewhere in his skull instantly began to coat his consciousness in soft cotton of sleep, but he knew - that peace would be temporary. He heard his mum shuffle as she turned to leave, her steps muffled by the hallway carpet. There was a murmur of low voices and eventually what sounded like the front door shutting. 

Matt was right. Of course he was.

It was Dan's fault.

===

“Come on, let me put some music on, this white noise is killing me,” Dan laughed while jabbing his finger towards the radio that had trouble maintaining the frequency and the songs faded in and out at irregular intervals.

“I swear if you try to put that stupid playlist on again I'll drive us off the ledge,” Tuck laughed, releasing the steering wheel with one hand to dig inside his pocket, probably to find the small cable the lack of which had thus far kept Dan from putting on music from his phone. Dan had always laughed that Tuck was the standard tech geek of their friend group, and the other boy had worn the title with pride ever since. 

“Honestly, if I'll have to hear All Star one more time, I'll take these gorgeous ladies and leave,” Matt laughed in the back seat, draping one arm over Trissa’s shoulders only for her to shake him off while D'aja laughed by her side, a hand over her mouth.

“Like I'd go anywhere with you, Matthew,” She retorted and when Dan glanced back he saw her momentary glance at Tuck but it was gone in an instant.

“Well, you're here already, aren't you? “ Matt kept teasing only for her to swat at him before she comfortably leaned into D'aja, the other girl's dark eyes shining with amusement.

“I am, but don't flatter yourself, you're my least favourite part of the trip so far,” Her tone was joking, but a clear indication for Matt to back off as well. Giving Matt one last eye-roll, she then glanced at her friend who was still, hand clasped over her mouth, quietly laughing. Matt just pouted at them, crossing his arms over his chest in the process.

Dan opened his mouth to speak, turning to look back to the road, his fingers clasped around the phone loosely. 

Suddenly the car was jerked sideways, there was frantic in voices all around him while his own throat felt like it had closed up. 

His phone slipped out of his grasp in an attempt to reach out and steady himself. 

Where there had been the road, there was now a fast approaching blur of highland greenery.

===

The memories haunted him in his sleep.

===

The light was bright in Phil's window again, hidden behind the curtains that did a poor job at hiding the silhouette from the world. 

Dan stared, weariness around his eyes making his whole face ache, but he couldn't find it in himself to move from the seat where he'd settled to go through all the materials that Phil had brought from school. Dan had never seen him, but his mum had made sure to tell Dan anyways. The sun had gone down a while ago but he hadn't made an effort to reach for the switch to turn on the lights and eventually he found himself enveloped in the darkness, a quiet murmur of music a constant in the background of his life.

A sound drew him out of his thoughts, and slowly he looked over to his phone where the screen had lit up with an unfamiliar number text. He'd ignored all of Louise's texts and attempts to call him and eventually she had stopped. He couldn't bring himself to check it now either.

He wanted to say that he felt guilty, because he did, but something in him kept telling him that it was for the best. He'd keep them from trouble by cutting himself out of their lives. Right?

He had always been so full of himself, thinking that he knew where to stop, that every mistake that he made could be fixed in time. But reality was harsher, and death could not be undone. The notion hung in the air, looming over him heavily. It made him feel frozen in time, where his yearning for someone fought the pushing away.

It made him lonely, aching.

The screen went dark again and he let it do so even though his curiosity was trying to pour some life into his bones again, to make him move, to break out of the numbness.

Instead, Dan looked away, to look at the house across the yard again, only to find that the window had gone completely dark. 

So he leaned forward, his forehead against the solid wood of his table. He ran his fingers through his hair slowly, the motion calming and distracting from the world as he began to drown in the music further and further…

A knock on his door, a lot firmer than his mum's, drew him out from the half-asleep daze. Blearily he looked up just as the door opened and it took a moment until he could piece together the features of the tall frame, the light from the hallway a stark contrast to Dan's dark room as it outlined Phil.

“Dan?” Phil's voice was low, as if he was afraid to wake Dan and for a while Dan remained quiet, unmoving, watching Phil shift his weight from foot to foot before he reached for the light switch.

“Don't,” Dan stopped him and Phil visibly jumped.

“What...” Phil trailed off, taking an unsure step forward, and Dan bit at the inside of his cheek. 

He knew that it would make sense to tell Phil to leave, to excuse himself with tiredness or being busy even if it would be an obvious lie, but he couldn't make himself say it. His consciousness was tired, ragged even with the restlessness of those dream flashbacks. He was so, so tired.

“Close the door, will you?” He quietly instructed and eventually Phil did so, leaving the two in the darkness that was only illuminated by the vague glow of the streetlights further away on the road passing the house. 

It was mostly silent, the record switching from one song to the other in the background. The air, however, was full of words, questioning and exclaiming, though none taking true form. 

Finally though, Phil broke the silence, formed the words into reality as his steps took him forward and Dan found himself yearning again to hide his face in the other boy's shirt, to blind himself of the realities.

“He's wrong, you know,” Though his voice was low, it was firm and Dan found himself unable to argue, his own thoughts too weary and body - too weak. So Phil continued and with every word he took a small step closer to Dan, “Yes, it's unfair that he passed away, nobody deserves to end so early,” There was a hard quality about Phil's words, like his throat was constricting, “But I sure as hell am glad you survived.”

“Why?”

The last song in the album finished and the silence felt louder than ever between the two, almost deafening, and Dan's question had the magnitude of a bomb dropped between the two.

“What…. Why?” Phil asked and his words seemed more choked up than Dan had heard them before. 

“We're practically strangers,” Dan's words were a murmur, and he looked down at the darkness by his feet. He could see Phil shift, “You shouldn't care about me this much.” His lips pressed in a thin line, “Is it just pity? Because I don't need it.”

“Shut up.” 

Dan's breath got caught in his throat at the strictness of the words and he looked up, the world a little bleary in the darkness, but he could make out the expression on Phil's face, a mixture of anger and pain illuminated by the light pouring from the outside. 

“Yes, I care for people easily, maybe more than I should,” Phil took a breath, deeper and shakier than it ordinarily would be, and Dan sat silently, listening, “But I'm not for falsely befriend anyone out of pity. There's so much more to you than that, and that's what drew me in, not the scars and crutch, okay? And I hate seeing you let him walk over you like that and tell you not to enjoy your life because I sure as hell think you should live to your fullest when it was nearly robbed from you.”

Phil stepped even closer, and leaned forward enough to place his hands on Dan's shoulders, their faces close. It made Dan's chest a mixture of conflicting feelings. Something about being under Phil's gaze, where the light from the outside reflected and got caught in the eyelashes, made him feel vulnerable. 

“Like it or not, you're my friend, and I hate seeing my friends being hurt and mistreated.”

Dan's lip quivered, and he kept staring up at Phil but he couldn't really see the other boy too clearly. He wanted to speak but the words wouldn't come from his lips. 

Instead, he reached out, his limbs too heavy for his liking, and he wound his arms around Phil's waist. He pulled Phil forward and the other boy released a surprised sound, stumbled a little before awkwardly wrapping his arms around Dan's head more than anything else while Dan pressed his face into Phil's stomach like he'd wanted to. Like it was the only, unexplainably safe place in the whole of universe.

It was unsure at first, the touch, and Dan didn't even fully notice it at first, but it returned soon after and Dan felt how his chest was too tight and how the bad was overwhelmed by just how full he felt, like every emotion had suddenly combusted inside his being, only contained by the bone and tissue. He pressed his face tightly against Phil's stomach, his fingers curled into the back of the other boy's shirt, and he remained there, feeling the light stroking of long fingers through the back of his hair in a soothing manner, much nicer than when Dan did it himself. He could hear the soft hush, could feel it as it resonated throughout the entirety of his being. Slowly it smoothed out the rough edges in his heart, calmed the storm that soared his mind, released his shoulders from the tension they held.

For the first time in what was days, Dan felt a little peace and he clung to it, clung to Phil, with all the might that he could muster, his breath creating a hot wet patch against the fabric of the other boy's shirt, but not once did Phil complain.

“Dan?” Phil's voice was gentle, and it ignited warmth inside Dan like Phil's laughter usually did. 

Dan only hummed back, too comfortable to move from how he was rested against the other boy. He felt the fingers go through his hair again, ruffle it lightly and Dan humoured a grunt.

“As much as I love hugging you,” There was laughter lining Phil's words and Dan felt a little disappointment settle in even before Phil was done speaking, “I have to admit that this is a bit uncomfortable.”

Unwillingly, Dan released Phil and instantly he felt how cold covered every inch of his skin that had had contact with Phil. It made him shiver and he felt robbed.

“Let's get you to bed, you look like you're about to fall asleep on the spot,” Phil's voice remained a gentle laughter. He held his hand out to Dan and took it without a second thought. Feeling himself be pulled on his feet, put the world at a strange whirlpool inside his skull, and his fingers clasped around Phil's warm hand tightly. To his relief, he felt Phil's fingers return the hold, drawing Dan in closer. Before he knew it, he was lying on his bed and Phil was carefully tucking him under the blanket.

Dan laughed, the sound more an exhale through his nose than a genuine laughter, but it caught Phil's attention.

“What's so funny?”

“Thanks for tucking me in….. Mum,” Dan retorted drowsily and released another soundless laugh. He didn't have to see Phil's expression to know that he had rolled his eyes and that his lips had bloomed with a smile.

“I think you might be delirious, your mum is downstairs,” Phil retorted. “If you want a goodnight's kiss on the forehead, I can go get her.”

“No,” Dan murmured and his fingers twitched but he stopped himself.

“Hm?” Phil, having caught the sound, prompted. 

Dan carefully pulled his hand out from under the blanket, and held it out towards Phil. The other boy looked down for a moment, then back up at Dan.

“Please stay, for a while,” Dan murmured, feeling his fingers twitch with exhaustion, ready to give up. 

Before he could lower it in defeat, he felt Phil's long fingers curl around his hand. Dan's mattress dipped under Phil's weight and Dan shifted to give enough space to the other boy. Not once did he let go of his hand nor did Phil try to pull his away.

Without much else left on his mind, Dan curled up, pressing his face into Phil's side gently. He could feel the other boy tense for the briefest of moment, but couldn't find it in himself to question it. All he could focus on was the warmth, the way Phil kept holding on and how soon again he was threading his fingers through Dan's hair gently once again.

It made things feel alright.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy! Next chapter is probably coming in two weeks, depending on my schedule, but stay put!

_Phil: Good morning! Hope to see you at school today! I think Louise might actually eviscerate me if you don't show up._

Dan stared at the message blearily for a few minutes. He'd soon enough learned that Louise had given Phil his number, since the two boys had failed to exchange them beforehand. And though it had been already two day, it was still strange to see Phil's name pop up on his screen regularly, their conversations just as easy in text as in person.

_Dan: i would too with all those exclamation marks. you sound like an overly eager parent_

_Phil: I will send them after you if you don't show today. Trust me, we have created a strong alliance and the army is always ready to take down my enemies._

_Dan: you're a nerd, phil_

_Phil: I'll take that as a compliment._

_Dan: or is it_

_Phil: Shut up. I'll see you at school?_

Dan lowered his phone and looked at the pile of the papers of schoolwork on the table. With a grunt, he pushed himself up, testing his ankle before he grabbed the phone and shot off a quick text of 'sure' before he dropped the device on the bed and began carefully limping through the house towards the washroom. 

Surprisingly, he felt well-rested, and it seemed that even the ringing had become quieter, the noise almost indistinguishable if he didn't focus on it. It caused a little bit of hope to bloom in Dan's chest, enough to allow a soft hum to ring in his throat as he made his way across the hallway. 

For once in a long time he was actually looking forward to the day.

Light stung his eyes as he flipped on the light switch in the bathroom, shivering a little as he stepped on the cold tiles. For a while he continued on with his business until he stepped up to the faucet and looked up in the mirror. 

The hum dried up in his throat, and for a moment he forgot the running water as it scaldingly lapped at his skin, making it sting but also effectively warming the frozen limbs up. Slowly, he leaned in closer to the mirror and cocked his head a little so the light wouldn't fall the same on his features. 

He'd spent long time avoiding looking at the little scars, but as they had begun to face a little, he had given his reflection a little more time of the day. He could almost ignore that they were there, as well as the uncertainty of how long it would take them to fade completely if they ever did.

He wasn't looking at the scars now though.

Slowly, he reached up, water dripping from his wet hands inside his sleeve and though his skin crawled, he was too focused on touching his fringe carefully. He brushed it side to side, but the way that the light got caught in his hair remained the same, several grey hair clearly standing out between the brown strands. 

His throat constricted, but he bit the inside of his lip until he could faintly taste the iron on his tongue. Thickly, he swallowed, and reached to pull the hood over his eyes with a swift movement, his good mood a memory. 

“Dan?” He heard his mum call out to him through the closed door and he jumped, quickly grabbing his toothbrush and running it under water.

“I'm up,” His voice was heavy, the words short, but it seemed to be enough for his mum as he could hear her shuffle down the hallway, probably to make some coffee and breakfast. 

For some reason his stomach churned uncomfortably at the idea.

Without another look at the mirror, he finished up and as fast as he could made his way back to his room, shutting the door behind him tightly. Dan leaned his back against the solid wood and drew in a deep breath, trying to contain the thickness in his chest and throat that was threatening to spill over at any moment. 

His phone buzzed on his bed, and he eyed it from where he stood.

He'd promised.

===

“I'll make an appointment today, I promise,” His mum leaned out the car window a little bit as Dan stood next to it, fiddling a bit with the crutch thoughtfully, his expression hidden from his mum by the hood that was still drawn over his eyes. Their conversation at breakfast had been slow, unsure from his mum's side though Dan had tried to make her believe, reassuring her many times over that he could walk, albeit slowly, on his own.

He just wanted to be better again, and it was the fact that it took so long that was starting to eat him up alive. The hesitation from his mum didn't help it either.

That and the apparent greying all of a sudden. He tried to think of what she had said earlier, tried not to worry, but the feeling sat at the pit of his stomach heavily, like an alive snake that made him feel sick with worry.

A vicious cycle in itself.

“Sure, mum,” He finally murmured in response when she wished him a good day and drove off. 

He watched her leave, and there was a part of him that wished to just turn around and walk past the school gates and go anywhere else which could ease his worries. He could use a smoke, or even a sip of drink, neither of which had touched his lips for months. But before he could commit to any idea that was bound to land him in trouble, a light tap on his shoulder drew his attention to the source of touch. He turned around rather swiftly, feeling his hood fall back a little with the momentum, so he quickly grabbed it and tucked it over his eyes once more.

“Good morning to you too, hobit,” Phil was laughing, his hand still lightly on Dan's shoulder and it felt like the fingertips were slowly burning through the fabric of Dan's clothing. It make him remember those same fingers brushing through his hair and those arms holding him, and that breath that would inflate and deflate Phil's ribcage, with Dan's face pressed close.

He swallowed, feeling the warmth expand from his shoulder and touching his cheeks. 

“Who are you calling a hobbit? You're almost the same height!” He tried his best to breathe life into his words, but found the pitch a bit too high and his lungs too empty too quickly, rendering him unusually breathless. 

“Well, your hood looks like a hobbit cloak and you have naturally curly hair,” Phil grinned at him so widely that the warmth increased in Dan's cheeks tenfold, and he reached to tug for the hood again only to find the material strain over his back beneath his coat, so he let it be. He had made the effort to straighten his hair, but what had once been seen by Phil seemed to be all the other boy now saw.

“Listen, I forgot to ask you the other day,” Phil began once the two had set off towards the entrance. Dan's eyes lingered on that spot where he'd hidden many times, the one place the teachers didn't seem to ever check. His lips felt dry, without anything to do, and though he didn't miss the ashy aftertaste, he missed the peace that his mind found watching the smoke curl up in the air with the world so distant.

“Dan, are you listening?” Phil's voice broke through Dan's thoughts and he blinked, looking up at Phil who seemed to be mildly embarrassed. 

“Sorry, what?” Dan asked, awkwardly leaning onto the crutch more though it was more out of a habit than the actual need for it.

“I asked if you'd like to come over,” Phil was looking ahead now, and his hands were busy gesticulating more wild than usual. Dan found himself watching them, wondering how they felt when exposed to the wintery cool; were they cold, or were they still warm to spite the weather?

“I have some games that we could play and it's always nice to get out?” There was a clear question in Phil's words and Dan allowed a smile to rest on his mouth gently. 

“I will have to ask my mum,” He began only to be hushed when Phil brought his hand up in front of Dan's face, effectively causing Dan to stop also walking.

“I literally live next door, just tell her you will be at my place, I'm sure she won't mind.” And when Dan met Phil's eyes, there was a fire of determination in them, though it felt like there was something hiding behind the blue irises still, unsaid. 

“S--” 

“MATTHEW MONTGOMERY DOLEY!” 

Dan had heard Louise speak in many different tones; motherly, excited, even slurring her words after a bit too much alcohol someone had snuck some into a party, he'd heard her sad, even angry.

This was completely different. The voice was absolutely and unashamedly furious and everyone in the school yard could hear her loud and clear. 

“Louise…?” Dan's jaw dropped seeing the blonde girl go. For once her hands were free, all of her study books probably left behind wherever her bag was at, too. And she strode across the yard, in big steps, her face red and angry. She had one target, and Matt was just there, having been talking to one of the other students, now half-surprised, half-terrified as she approached. It was like he wasn't sure whether he should to run away.

“Shit,” He could hear Phil cuss under his breath and to hear that poured worry in Dan's bones. 

“Wha--”

The slap could be heard across the yard, like as if someone had been broadcasting it through the speakers. Matt stumbled, grabbing onto his cheek and it didn't take being close by to see that he was absolutely stunned. But Louise didn't stop and she brought up her hand again to slap at him only to hit his shoulder when he tried to duck away from the impact. 

“You. God. Damn. Idiot!” She kept going on and on, and, to Dan's horror, seemed to put her whole anger into the action. 

Before he knew it, he'd started moving towards her, but Phil was quicker, running up to the commotion to drag Louise away, his arms protectively but strongly wrapped around her while she struggled, tears running down her reddened cheeks. 

“Do you really think this is all about you?! Do you really think that it's just you affected? Only one who is hurt by this?! You absolute idiot!” She kept going on though dragged backwards and Matt stared at her in horror, a red blotch on his cheek where Louise's palm had come in contact with his skin. 

“Stupid boy!” She managed out, a lot quieter, before she turned towards Phil in his grasp, her face hidden in his chest. Slowly, Phil released his hold only to gently envelop her in a hug, just as Dan finally caught up to the two. 

Matt meanwhile had grabbed his bag that had fallen onto the wet ground out of surprise, and scuttled off, tripping over his own feet. Dan watched him disappear, before he turned to the other two.

“Louise,” Dan, just as stunned as anyone else in the yard, carefully reached out to place his hand on her back, rubbing between her shoulder blades gently to try and soothe her. She was shaking under his touch and he looked up to exchange a questioning look with Phil who looked just as confused and worried. 

“Stupid, stupid boys,” She suddenly pulled away from Phil, her tearstained face full of disappointment and Dan stepped aside, not expecting the finger that she jabbed in his direction, hitting him dead center in his chest. Phil fidgeted, unsure if he was supposed to hold her from attacking Dan as well, but remained still when she made no effort in slapping him. “Can't you just understand that it's terrible watching you fight over the death of a friend. It's so stupid,” She rubbed at her face and Dan felt the corners of his mouth drooping. 

“I don't want you to fight,” She finally murmured, all the usual spunk spent, her cheeks red and wet. 

“Louise...” Dan began again but the words dried up in his throat before he could find a way to fully voice them. He felt the cold air around them, the silence seeping into his being like a plague and he felt like it was pressing him down to the ground.

“Let's go inside,” It was Phil who finally broke the silence between them. Dan felt the hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly, and saw that the other was on Louise's. He didn't acknowledge it, allowing Phil to steer the two of them towards the entrance and through the hallways slowly. He could hear Louise sniffle, but there were no other sounds aside from that and the three pairs of steps, the hallways unusually empty.

It wasn't long after that the three of them ended up seated in the school library, where the librarian had given them one look and the returned to stacking the returned books, not disturbing them nor reminding them to be quiet. Perhaps it was just too early to care, or perhaps she had seen the dark and tearstained expressions. It really didn't matter. All that Dan understood was that the wooden chairs were just as uncomfortable as ever and that what Louise said was still echoing brightly and loudly in his ears, next to where the usual ringing had returned with what felt like a tenfold intensity. His shoulders felt tense, like a shudder building up but never quite reaching the breaking point. 

“Okay,” Phil was still the one to do the most talking when he took a seat by the table and ran a hand over his mouth and cheeks thoughtfully before setting it on the table, the palm open like he was trying to absorb some kind of energy from the dusty wood. “How are you feeling Louise?” He turned to the girl, but Dan's mind felt stuck, his whole body not responding to the willed movements the way that he would want it.

Louise wiped at her eyes, careful to not smudge the mascara more than it already was, “I'm…. fine,” She finally admitted when the silence grew and Phil nodded, offering her a gentle smile. 

“You really went all out there, you could probably get a whole auditorium to listen to you without a megaphone.” 

The words drew a laugh from Louise, who had always been a rather cheerful person. Even under the worst amounts of stress she would find her smile and laugh openly at the smallest amusements, and her words were always lined with that joy no matter what she talked about. She was, to Dan, the most sunny person in the world and to have seen this outburst was something new, almost apocalyptic. 

He didn't know if he had to feel guilt, there was too much of it already. With the tens of calls and texts that he had left unanswered, he knew that he owed her an apology at the least. Yet his lips were mute, and his eyes stared unfocused at the backs of the books in the nearby shelf. 

“Dan? How are you?” The words reached him slow and when he finally forced his limbs to cooperate, he realised that the shudder had taken over as a shiver and he drew in a shaky breath before he could look at his friends who were both watching him with a soft caution. He swallowed, when the words wouldn't come, and opened his mouth again, but his throat was soundless, so he merely nodded and leaned onto the table, head hung low, blinking at the dark wood for several seconds before he came to it again. 

“Fine,” He murmured, feeling the stares, and though he usually hated them, his focus kept slipping enough that he couldn't even muster annoyance so he repeated, “Fine.” 

A palm, large and warm, rested against his back and he slowly looked up, still leaning the majority of his weight on the table before him. He saw that smile, that same damn smile that held the warmth that entered his being the same way it seemed to sneak through the threads of his hoodie, pouring care into him through his spine. “I think there's something that you wanted to say to Louise,” Phil used that moment, Dan's eyes lingering on Phil longer than he'd usually allow himself, but that made him come to it again.

Dan shifted, but the hand remained on his back and he felt thankful to Phil, feeling the need for support while the tremor was still making his bones jittery and speech hard to come by. 

Louise was regarding him in a familiar motherly manner, but there was still the same pain that had laced her words earlier that shone behind the green irises. 

“I'm sorry, Louise,” Dan felt like a child, realising how they probably looked to anyone who might see them. So he shifted again, pushing himself to sit up straight though his limbs felt sore, the stress of days having taken its toll. “I should've answered your texts and calls, I just...” He trailed off, and his hand trailed towards his head, wanting to comb through his hair, to calm himself, to make some sense with the jumbled mess of words in his head.

“It's okay, Dan,” She responded when he didn't continue. She held out her hand, both a peace and a comfort offering and he gladly took it, allowing his cold fingers gently squeeze her warmer ones. 

“I just… It feels like he's right. If I hadn't asked for that stupid cable...” He realised then and there that he had never told anyone but his family and the officials about what he could remember. Dan fell silent again, but felt the grip on his hand tighten encouragingly and Phil's palm against his back rubbed a gentle circle between his shoulderblades, just like Dan's had earlier for Louise.

“I don't know,” He finally said, defeated and withdrew his hand from Louise's only to cup his face, rubbing it, feeling the little nicks in his skin though they were more a discolouration on his skin than anything else by now. 

“Hey, hey...” Her voice was always so nice, he almost hated it when he couldn't find it in himself to just accept things as they were, “Listen, Daniel,” He peeked from between his fingers at that; she used his full name the same way that his parents would, when he was in trouble or when what was to be said was extremely important. “I know it hurts, but it's not on you, not even on Matt, as much of a prick he's been lately.” Dan wanted to humour a laugh, but couldn't, just listening to the very brief chuckle that escaped Phil.

“But you need to stop and finally make up because this is getting ridiculous. We all miss Tuck, the science lab isn't the same without him, the people are less likely to volunteer helping with setting up events without him jumping into it first, even the library...” Dan didn't have to look to understand; the mystery novel section was barely touched ever since.

“Trissa was pulled from this school, and trust me, I miss having my study sessions with her,” Louise sighed, and Dan understood; he had heard it from his parents when he had finally gotten coherent enough to ask for his friends. The two girls had suffered rather minorly, but the parents hadn't taken mercy on their friendship. She hadn't returned to school with the start of the new semester and from what Dan had heard, she'd been pulled into homeschooling for a while.

“How's D'aja?” Dan asked, lowering his hands onto the table and felt Phil shift next to them, clearly trying to piece the entire story together on the go.

Louise shrugged, “I haven't really heard from her. Since Trissa left, it's been impossible to reach D'aja, but from what I've heard, she tried to talk to Matt a few weeks back and the result was….” She made a face and it was clear what had happened without her spelling it out.

It was then that the bell rung, making the trio jump in their seats, and Louise stood up, though for once unwillingly, “I will see you boys at lunch?” There was a soft plea in her tone and Dan nodded.

“You will.”

With a smile and a gentle pat on Dan's hooded head, she said her goodbyes and headed off and Dan watched her go until she disappeared behind the corner.

“You should go too, Mr. Rossenthal hates when the boys are late.” Dan eyed Phil whose hand was still on Dan's back, almost like he had forgotten to remove it but Dan couldn't really complain; it was a familiar and safe feeling that it gave. 

There was a pause and Phil finally moved, withdrawing his hand only to reach for his backpack and the other boy hugged it close to his chest. 

“I don't think I will go today,” He finally spoke and there was something about the words that made Dan want to question further, but before he could Phil shot him a smile, “I'm not the most athletic, they won't miss me.”

“You sure?” Phil was quick to nod, almost like he was desperate to drop the conversation and Dan didn't push anymore.

===

They were lounging in the most comfortable seats in the cafeteria post-biology when the students began pouring into the room from their classes, and it didn't take long until Louise had found and joined them, complaining that her Maths teacher didn't really consider the amount of work that they got in other classes already.

“You could just do the exams next year like everyone else,” Dan added and the look she gave him was absolutely scandalised.

“Daniel Howell, you take that back!”

Phil glanced between the two curiously while munching down on a piece of bread, and Dan explained, “She's doing her GCSEs early, because she hates me and wants to leave the school early,” That earned him a slap on the shoulder and Dan laughed, the earlier worries gone from his mind if only momentarily. The time spent outside class with Phil was a constant learning; they talked about the games Phil had, and soon found out that their interests aligned not only musically but in other forms of entertainment, too. 

“I have an offer for a scholarship if I get out early,” Louise explained and Phil's eyebrows shot up so quickly Dan could only wonder how they didn't shoot off into the space. 

“That's amazing!” Phil exclaimed and beamed so brightly that a faint blush took over Louise's cheeks but she didn't shy away and instead smiled brightly at him.

“I have to yet excel at my exams, but that's why I have these,” And with a careful touch, she patted the books in front of her. Dan had always laughed that she loved books more than anything else in her life and that always ended up in a friendly fighting between them. In all honesty, there was genuine joy that Dan felt though a little bitterness would sometimes find its way through it. She had been a good friend since Dan had started at this school and he dreaded the day that he wouldn't regularly run into her again in the hallways.

“So it's going to be up to you Phil to take care of my little Dan here,” As if reading Dan's mind, she suddenly added and Dan protested out loud with a 'hey', only to silence when Phil's arm landed briefly on his, a quick pat on the palm. 

“Don't worry, I will. He's not getting rid of me that easily,” Phil laughed and Louise joined him. It made Dan feel unconditionally happy, watching the two, and the words that were replaying in his mind along with the ghost of Phil's touch.

“Anyway,” Dan intercepted finally, leaning forward again, pocketing his hands before the temptation to reach towards Phil could overwhelm him. He felt the yearning for more of those touches and they tugged at his stomach in a manner that Dan had never experienced before. “We're hanging out at Phil's tonight, you should join us.” He offered a questioning look to Phil, asking if extending this invitation had been alright only to see Phil enthusiastically nod.

“I wish, but I have two tests coming up,” Louise sighed, taking her fork to stab at the food on the plate.

“Come ooooon, I haven't hung out with you in months!” Dan whined and she waved her fork towards him, almost flinging a piece of potato in the air accidentally.

“And whose fault is it, not answering my calls?” And though there was a guilty truth attached to the words, there was no malice and Dan pouted at her.

“Soon?” He asked, quietly, and she nodded.

“Soon.”

===

They had said their goodbyes after lunch, their classes splitting them up effectively again. Louise ran off to her advanced ones, while Dan had the pleasure of traipsing alongside Phil to the English class again.

“I kind of want to do English after I'm done here,” Phil spoke up and Dan eyed him with curiosity. “I like filmmaking but language is so interesting and I'd like to understand it better, maybe learn to write scripts.” It seemed like Phil was gone off in his fantasy, with the way his eyes were looking ahead but not seeing, yet full of excitement that reflected in the way his arms were gesticulating to emphasise the happiness. 

“Is that why your room is illuminated like the abduction of the aliens is happening behind the drawn curtains on regular basis?” Dan humoured and instantly saw bright colour flush Phil's cheeks, as if Phil was a large kid caught in lies.

“Err, yeah I guess. I like making little videos sometimes,” Phil explained vaguely, his hand digging into his pocket almost guiltily where his phone was hidden.

Dan arched his brow at that, a curious smile causing the dimples to crater his cheeks, “You have to show me some now!”

And though Phil agreed, the other boy seemed vaguely awkward about the promise. It made Dan wonder if he had overstepped some line.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies about the absence; the university has been eating up all of my writing time, but finally it is here! The newest chapter! I hope you enjoy it <3

“Let me know if you need anything,” Dan's mum called after Dan when he was trying to toe on his shoes, the crutch left in the corner of his room on purpose, now proving how much he was used to relying on it for a wide variety of actions that required for him to balance. Even so, he persisted onwards and despite the strain, he tied up his shoes with only a minimal lack of breath.

“I know, mum,” He called back, a little breathless, rolling his eyes as he readjusted his hood in the mirror, swiping the straightened hair to the side a little. He'd pulled out some of the offending grey hair, but he constantly found himself on the edge about having missed some. When he couldn't pinpoint any though, he finally turned to call out his goodbyes to his mum who threw in another reminder just before he had closed the door behind himself.

It was cold, and his breaths came up in the air in white puffs, the late October air signalling the soon arrival of the winter. Carefully, he made his way across the yard, through the gate and to the house next door. 

It felt strange, to walk into the neighbouring yard. To walk up to the house.

It wasn't like he hadn't seen it before. In fact he had seen it every day since they had moved in, but never had he been this close. So, as familiar as it was, it felt brand new, exciting even. 

Dan stood on the porch for a moment, awkwardly looking around at the frosty garden that usually bloomed in lovely colours during the summer months. His heart was beating in his ears, though not frantic for once. It felt like he was stuck in time momentarily, and he wasn't sure if he could escape it.

The cold was too much though and when Dan finally reached to press the doorbell, he realised that he could barely feel his fingers. 

“You must be Dan!” When the door opened, instead of Phil or his father that Dan had seen bustling around the garden for years, it was a woman that Dan could only assume was Phil's mum, if the similar features and the sunny expression was any indication of it, that greeted him. “Come on in, darling, it's cold outside!” She ushered him inside and he followed suit, awkwardly smiling at the woman. He'd racked up some charm in meeting new people, but it seemed to have been laid to rest with so many other of his more outwardly qualities. 

He felt like that younger Dan in his early middle school days, who was too shy to raise his hand in class.

“Phil will be down any moment,” She assured him, while motioning to a coat rack next to the door. 

“Would you like some tea? The dinner will be in about an hour and a half,” She continued on as Dan unzipped his coat, and he kept smiling awkwardly, racking his slow mind for answers. 

“Thank you, Mrs. Lester,” He finally managed, nodding for the tea and it seemed like she understood because the way she beamed was instantly heartwarming.

“Do you have any preferences?” She eagerly continued and Dan could feel his ears flush a little when he suddenly found himself forgetting everything she'd asked him about in the short amount of time. 

“Mum, come on,” He heard Phil before he saw him and the tone was a little embarrassed with a hint of amusement, “You're overwhelming him.” 

She instantly turned to face her son and Dan waved at Phil who nodded back in a greeting. “Well, I can't help it when I don't see many of your friends at all, Philip,” Phil made a face at that.

“Muuuum,” He tried to shoo her off and she followed suit, gently patting his shoulder while passing by. 

“I'll call when the tea's ready.”

Once she had disappeared further inside the house, Phil walked up to Dan, a faint blush on his cheeks, “Sorry, she gets really excited whenever I actually have a friend over. I think she worries that I haven't made any again,” He paused, but Dan didn't press on, and there was something that seemed thankful in Phil's expression.

“Should we?” Phil motioned towards the stairway.

“Please,” Dan's voice was lined with the shivering of his bones, “I need to warm up before I can properly kick your ass at all the games,” The grin he shot Phil resonated in the other boy and before Dan could react, his cold hand was in Phil's much warmer one and he was gently tugged towards the stairway. 

Dan was glad that Phil never commented on the clammy feeling of Dan's fingers.

The climb up the stairs was slow, but patient and never once Phil let go of Dan's hand. It was odd, but it warmed Dan's chest in that manner that he seemed to only experience around the other boy. It made him feel good, but at the same time something about it hurt. 

“Welcome to chez Phil Lester,” Door pushed open, Dan was faced with a variety of green and blue hues and an enormous quantity of posters all around. There was a shelf full of random belongings alongside books and a table covered in probably every study materials distributed thus far into the semester. What was more interesting though was the strange construction in the corner of the room and the box next to it. Dan could only guess it was the guilty party in what caused Phil's room to light up so drastically.

“Make yourself at home, I'll go grab some snacks,” Phil released his hand and instantly Dan wanted to protest but he swallowed that feeling and gingerly made his way to sit on the edge of Phil's bed. There was a rather old TV in the corner, a console attached to it. The posters, Dan soon realised, were of bands and movies alike, with a certain affiliation to what seemed to be Buffy, the same show the two had watched the first time Phil had come over. It was endearing in a way, but it made his way over his lips in a form of a tease when Phil reappeared.

“A single Sarah Michelle Gellar cut-out away from being creepy,” Dan joked but when Phil looked guiltily over his shoulder, Dan had to laugh.

“No way,” He leaned forward just enough to see the corner that he hadn't earlier only to, indeed, find a cut-out resting against the wall. 

“She's a great actress, okay?!” Phil tried to defend himself but the blush deepened, and Dan found himself looking at the pink cheeks with intrigue before he met Phil's eyes again and grinned.

“I'm not denying that, but a cut-out, really?” 

“You're the worst, oh my god,” Phil chucked a pack of crisps in Dan's general direction, Dan's fingers clumsy and attention too slow to catch it right away, resulting in a strange display of juggling in the air before he finally grabbed it properly.

“I'm kidding,” Dan reassured when Phil looked like he was about to hide the cut-out, “But you must admit, not everyone gets to the level of having an actual life-sized cut-out of their favourite celebrities.”

“I'll make sure to buy you ten for you birthday,” Phil retorted before settling on the bed next to Dan, and Dan could feel how much he yearned to decreased the distance between them, to feel that familiar reassuring warmth once again. 

“Honestly, I'm just surprised you're that into it, isn't it show for like, parents or something? I remember my mum liked watching it when I was like…. 6?” Dan instead of protesting or arguing, opted for opening the crisps and grabbed a handful to keep his hands and mind busy.

That is, until Phil shifted uncomfortably next to him. Dan slowed, until he completely stopped chewing. ”Phil?” He questioned because the air was heavy around them again and Phil was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. 

“Okay, I promise I am not some creep, and I will explain why,” Phil seemed extremely uncomfortable for a moment and Dan could see the way his Adam's apple would bob when he swallowed nervously. “The reason I have always had a hard time making friends is because I fell behind,” Dan lowered the handful of crisps and turned towards Phil a bit more, watching the other boy's profile while Phil stubbornly stared ahead. “I fell ill and had to stay home, and when I came back I had missed so much that I had to start the year over.” Phil reached out to rub the side of his neck, “And everyone was so mean that I basically failed another year until I got back on track.”

Finally it hit Dan, why Phil had seemed so different from others in the year. There had always been an air around Phil that seemed more mature, even if the jokes had been at Dan's level.

“So you're 18?” Dan questioned, and Phil flinched almost as if Dan had yelled at him.

“Almost, I turn 18 in January.”

Dan took a moment to process this and then - shrugged and stuffed a handful of crisps into his mouth, “Doesn't matter,” Phil instantly looked at him in surprise, his eyes wide, like he had expected Dan to actually storm out of the room there and then once he learned the truth. 

“Explains why you like granny shows,” Dan offered the other boy a cheeky grin and Phil blinked before pouting at him. There was barely any difference that the age revelation had made. Phil was Phil and though he was a little out of the ordinary within their age group, Dan realised, Phil was also somewhat of a generally unique occurrence in Dan's life that he wouldn't change for the world.

“Hey!”

The two were laughing freely when Phil's mum called them for the tea.

===

“I will completely destroy you, Lester,” Dan tilted the controller while mashing down on the buttons, the stiffness in his hands annoying but he was set to winning this round, so he kept pushing on as much as he could and more. 

“You wish, Howell,” Phil called back, just as into the game, the controller held so tightly that his knuckles had turned white.

Originally the two had opted for Mario Kart, but as the game had begun moving, the movement had made Dan nauseous. So, after losing two rounds, he had given up and called for a rematch with a different game. It felt like Phil understood the real reason why, but he never brought it up and eventually a two-player fighter had replaced the game. 

A swift move back and towards the left seemed to be enough to avoid the fatal kick and Dan mashed down the buttons, and his character grabbed Phil's, completely crushing him. As the K.O. appeared on the screen, Dan cheered and Phil groaned, chucking the controller onto the bed.

“Not fair! I had you there,” Phil complained, a crease so deep in his forehead like he genuinely couldn't comprehend how he had lost the game. 

“I'm just better than you, deal with it,” Dan, a shameless victor, poked Phil in the side, making Phil jump and yelp, which only caused Dan to laugh more. “Someone's ticklish,” He wiggled his eyebrows and it was almost that with terror Phil leaned away from him.

“No.”

“Oh yes,” Without a warning, Dan dived in, poking at Phil's sides only to draw a loud laughter from the other boy as Phil struggled to push Dan off. Finally, he managed to grab Dan's wrists and it was in a blur that Dan was pushed down to the bed, arms held down by Phil as the other boy leaned his weight a little on Dan in process.

Everything froze in an instant for Dan. 

The world stopped. 

His breathing stopped. 

Even his heart skipped a beat so painfully that only a pained and terrified yelp escaped from his mouth.

Suddenly he felt like he was being suffocated again with the iron on his lips and dripping down his throat. It felt like the weight was immovable and he could almost feel his bones crumbling under it. 

He was afraid and he was in pain, though the pain was only a ghosting memory.

And he could only assume that it reflected in his face because almost instantly Phil released him and moved aside, the laugher replaced by concern on his features. “Dan?” Phil spoke but Dan couldn't respond, his breath short inhales, making him dizzy though he tried to remind himself that it was all in his head. He wasn't being crushed in a car. He was on a soft bed and his body was healing. 

“Shit, Dan,” Phil's voice grew with panic and Dan could feel the touch to his arm as Phil seemingly tried to find a way to get Dan's attention, “Are you okay? Can you speak?”

He could see Phil turn pale, the way he stumbled to try and get up, probably to call for help. 

“W-wait,” Dan managed out, his breath barely making any sound, stopping Phil with his hand on the doorknob. Slowly, he tried to roll himself over to the side, and the breaths began to find depth as he squeezed his eyes closed. “S-sorry,” He muttered, hoping that Phil could hear him, “I-I'm fine, j-just,” He drew in another breath, deeper and slower than those before, and the influx of oxygen made colours dance before Dan's eyes, making him a little nauseous. 

Thankfully, he felt the mattress dip when Phil sat down.

“Can I?” Phil asked cautiously, and Dan opened his eyes just enough to see Phil's hand hovering over him and nodded before shutting his eyes again and curling up more. The touch took a moment to register through all the ghost pain that Dan felt all over, but it trailed over Dan's shoulder and arm gently before it brushed through his hair, with caution at first but as the breaths became steadier, so did each gentle touch ruffling up his hair bit by bit.

Finally the dizziness passed and his stomach settled enough for him to uncurl and open his eyes. Phil continued threading his fingers through his hair, and Dan was silently thankful, the sensation easing the still looming terrors.

“Sorry,” Dan murmured and Phil leaned against the wall, only momentarily stopping the brushing before it continued.

“Please, Dan, don't apologise, I should have figured that pinning you down like that wouldn't go well,” Phil brushed his apology off and Dan shook his head a little, and with disappointment felt Phil withdrawing his touch. 

Slowly, Dan pushed himself to sit up, his limbs still shaky, but the world felt steady enough so he dared to shift more until his back was rested against the wall, their shoulders touching lightly as they sat side by side on the bed. “You couldn't have known,” He excused the older boy lightly, tucking his hands beneath his thighs in vain hope that it would somehow help the shaking to stop. “Even I didn't know that.”

“Have you tried seeing someone about it?” Phil asked and with every word his voice grew quieter until it almost disappeared in that ringing. What helped was the way he felt Phil press closer against him.

“No,” Dan didn't even have to ask; he had been told about all the potential procedures for even years to come after the accident and he had been putting most non-physical off. 

It didn't need saying for them to understand, that perhaps he had been putting them off for too long.

===

“Are you feeling alright, dear?” Phil's mum asked calmly as the four sat around the table. Dan had had a brief exchange with Mr. Lester before the dinner, the two previously acquainted. He had noted the frequency in which the older man kept coughing but he tried to not react to it at all, instead waiting out a coughing fit before continuing the conversation. He had soon enough learned that Phil actually had an older brother, now living down South in London. It was another reminder of how little he actually knew about the other boy still.

“Yes, the dinner is delicious, Mrs. Lester,” Dan offered her a smile, trying his best to steady his hand that was still shaking after the earlier happenings. 

Phil tried his best to steer the conversation in another direction, bringing up school and Dan was thankful because soon after Mrs. Lester was too engaged in Phil's story about how he had nearly ended up in the school's back yard which was locked off during the season, instead of the Psychology class, which would have been quite the challenge to his own psyche considering that the door would automatically lock.

After a dessert and some more tea, the two had retreated to Phil's room once more and Dan could instantly see that Phil was feeling uneasy. He hated seeing that, it made him feel bad about what had happened earlier. He wanted to make it right again, to make sure that Phil wasn't afraid of treating him however he would treat his friends.

So, his back against the wall, Dan settled in Phil's bed and patted the space next to him. “You promised to show me some of your film work,” Dan reminded, trying to find something to redirect the thoughts to, even though he could still feel the jittery feeling in his joints so he stuffed his hands beneath his thighs once again.

He watched the way Phil flushed a bright colour and realised that he quite enjoyed that tint on Phil's cheeks, enjoyed being the one who caused it to appear. It was alive and healthy, and it held so much emotion in that little change of colour. It was comforting to see, and one more reassurance for Dan that the life continued to thrive even after others' lives had ceased.

“Err, they aren't really film….” Phil awkwardly shifted before grabbing his laptop and settling next to Dan, very gingerly typing out the password before he opened a tab and typed in Youtube link. 

Dan watched, curious, and it was when he caught a glance of Phil's channel, that he had to cock his head curiously. “So you're basically a youtuber?” It was fascinating. Dan had watched some before, but it had been that thing that Tuck had brought into his life, and he hadn't really spent much time on the website ever since the accident. 

It seemed to make Phil even more embarrassed. When Dan looked up it seemed like his face was heating up so much that one could boil a kettle of water on it. He could see the hesitation when he clicked on the latest video which Dan soon found was a Phil's version for a music video, home-made and jumping from scene to scene as Phil reenacted the lyrics. It was amusing, but it held a strange degree of attractiveness, and when it finished and Phil hid his face in his hands, Dan was grinning widely, trying to ignore the burn in his cheeks and tips of his ears, bumping his shoulder against Phil's, “That's amazing!” He paused, then laughed, “No pun intended.”

Phil just groaned through his hands at that but continued to hide, and Dan reached out to gently pry his hands away from his face, grinning widely when Phil shyly looked at him, “These are really great, Phil, if this video is anything to go by. I could've never guessed that you made stuff like this!”

Though there was a questioning quality about Phil's eyes, he seemed to relax a bit. Dan used that peace to release the hold on Phil's arms at that, shifting to look back at the screen. 

He clicked on another video which caused Phil to hide his face again.

It was when Dan tried to open the third video, Phil stopped him, warm hand over Dan's and Dan felt how his stomach seemed to fill with that strange softness, tugging somewhere near his navel and he allowed himself be guided away from the laptop. 

“Let's…. Not,” Phil asked and the small plea was what made Dan retreat, if only for now. 

“Expect me to binge through the entire channel soon,” Though Phil looked like he wanted to protest, with a sigh he gave in. 

“It's always so awkward meeting…. Fans,” It seemed like he had tried finding a different word but failed to and it was with amusement that Dan watched Phil make a face. It felt like he could almost see the cogs turning behind the eyes.

“It's easy to put it up and be done with it, but when you actually meet someone who has seen the videos…. It's just weird. I like it, don't get me wrong, I'm happy, but...” Dan nodded, trying to act like he understood what Phil meant but it was enough for Phil to finally close the laptop and set it aside. 

“Do you want to watch something?” As if trying to change the topic, Phil asked, and Dan let him.

“Sure,” He grinned, poking Phil's shoulder lightly, “Do you have anything else besides Buffy?”

Phil just swatted at him before he began digging through the bottom of the shelf where a small collection of DVDs was hidden away.

And Dan might have used the chance to admire the entirety of Phil at that moment secretly.

===

It was warm, almost toasty, and Dan released a satisfied sigh when his dream stopped momentarily to give way to the real world, his senses awakening just enough to notice the way the bed was soft beneath him, the blanket mushed against his face, his limbs a little too stiff and light at the same time. From there he became aware of the warmth, it was radiating from outside of his being, and it was enveloping him unevenly, his back relatively cold compared to the rest of him. Slowly, slowly, he noted the way there was a weight around him, how there were slow inhales and exhales just somewhere above his head, and as he awoke more, he could smell something familiar.

His eyelids fluttered, and he was met with pitch darkness. He blinked, sleepily, until his eyes adjusted and he shifted a little, raising his head only for the warmth next to him shift and he felt the hold around him tighten slightly.

When Dan looked up, what he saw was the open-mouthed, messy-haired, sound asleep Phil. It took a moment to understand the circumstances, but Dan found himself completely unalarmed, much to his own surprise.

He could only assume that they had fallen asleep sometime during the movie and nobody had bothered to wake them up.

And at that moment it didn't even matter that his mother hadn't tried to collect him either.

===

His eyelids fluttered with the morning light pouring in through the crack in the curtains and he stretched, trying to release the tension in his joints a little when he felt the shift besides him.

Phil, seemingly just awakened too, was glancing at him through his eyelashes and there was a sleepy smile on his lips that put Dan at ease though his chest felt too tight. “Morning,” He murmured and the way his voice was husky made Dan wish that this moment would never end. He didn't even question it, though he understood that he probably should have. He didn't want to, because for once in a long time he felt like nothing in the world was evil or painful.

“Morning,” He returned the greeting and momentarily his eyes glanced down at Phil's mouth, the feeling in his gut yearning to taste it with his own, but before he could act on it, he rolled over and onto his back, stretching again to hear his joints pop, and he exhaled in relief.

“My mum's going to be livid,” He said with a drowsy laugh and he heard Phil join in momentarily before it was replaced by a yawn. 

“Tell her it's weekend, you're allowed to be three hundred meters from your bedroom once in a while, aren't you?” Phil rubbed his eyes and grunted in discomfort. “Ugh, I forgot to remove my contacts.” 

“Idiot,” Dan humoured, though the curiosity was trying to get the best of him; it was clear that there was still far too much to learn, even if it was tiny details like Phil wearing contact lenses.

And the fact that he groggily grunted like an old man when he was getting out of bed, muttering something about being right back when he disappeared into the hallway. 

When Phil returned, dark-rimmed glasses perched on his nose, Dan was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling on his hoodie that he had eventually ditched just before the movie. “Remind me to never sleep in my jeans again,” Dan asked, trying to poke his head through the neck of the hoodie, effectively making an absolute mess on his head.

“Does that imply that you'd gladly sleep over again?” Phil dug into his closet for a fresh piece of clothing as well, pulling out a shirt. Dan watched, intrigued when Phil pulled off the glasses, one hand ready to pull off the wrinkly shirt that he was wearing, when Phil paused. There was hesitation, like he didn't feel comfortable asking something and Dan bit at the inside of his lip.

“I'll go...” He trailed off, motioning towards the door before pushing himself on his feet and testing his ankle before beginning to traipse towards the bathroom. He paused in the doorway, just a for a moment, and eyed the older boy with a slight smile on his lips, “And yeah, I'd happily stay over again.”

He could almost hear Phil mouthing a smiling thank you when the door to Phil's bedroom closed behind Dan.


	7. Chapter 7

“Howell,” The voice wasn't a familiar one but something about hearing it made him feel dread; somehow he knew what was coming, had dreaded that moment when he'd be approached about it again though a part of him longed for the alcohol burning down his throat and the smoke on his lips. 

It had taken barely a year after coming to the new school that Louise had brought out the real Dan which had always been hidden away in the timid shell. It had proved quickly that he was nothing like that shell, or not always. No. He was loud, laughed fully, always had a sarcastic comment to add where it fit the most, and through it all he was still open to people, ready to help when somebody needed. 

As this Dan he'd been accepted quite quickly.

Eventually the children grew to become more rowdy teens, childish parties and sleepovers turning into parties with sneaky alcohol mixed into their sodas and innocent fun-poking turned to more intimate games, sloppy kisses exchanged and people teased after their cheeks had become cherry red. And Dan had been through all of it, more than happy to accept every invitation, had been the soul of every sleepover and party, no matter how exhausted he felt after them. He found joy in raising people's moods.

A lot had changed since then.

A boy, almost a head shorter than Dan but with confidence oozing from every fibre of his being, leaned against the locker next to Dan's, a girl attached to his arm as she batted her eyelashes at Dan. He vaguely recognised the two from somewhere but it took a while until he could actually rack his brain enough to attach names to faces.

Still, he smiled at them, the wary kindness of the expression partially hidden in the shadows cast by the way his back was slouched to make the hood fall a little over his eyes. 

“TJ? Summer?” He greeted them once the names, sluggishly had resurfaced and he could see the way that the recognition affected them, faces brightening and a certain light coming alive in those gazes. He could see through them though, the way they were too close, how there was mischief just below the casual mask, and how their lips were twitching in excitement to spill their words.

“So,” TJ started and everything was clear to Dan in the way that TJ's words became increasingly quieter, “We were thinking,” But before TJ had finished, Dan shook his head.

“I can't,” There was a cautious sound about his words, and TJ arched his brow, his lips a smile of amused disbelief.

“The great Howell saying no to a party?” He humoured while Dan turned his gaze back towards his books, clumsy fingers grabbing for and nearly dropping one. 

It was in the back of his mind; the cloudiness in his head, the lightness in his limbs, the way that he liked to draw images in the curls of the smelly smoke while the music blared in the background, for once not controlled by Dan and for once he didn't care about it too much either. The headache of the next day, the weariness, and the memories fragmented, but he always knew that it had been a good time. The way it helped him keep people happy and the way it allowed him for once not feel weary only few hours in, the alcohol buzz driving his limbs.

“Come on man,” TJ leaned in and Dan could see how Summer's hold on him was the only thing that kept him from getting any closer.

“My brother will get us plenty of booze, and,” Dan could feel eyes surveying his shadow-clad face, “You look like you need a good drag,” There was a snicker in those words and something about them ticked Dan off, so he stubbornly kept staring at the inside of his locker though there was nothing left there that he needed. 

“Can you stop staring?” Dan finally responded, only to hear his voice like it wasn't his own, the darkness like sticky tar in his tone. He hated the staring, hated the way people would map his stance and every nick and discolouration on his skin, hated how they could see the way he was thinner than before and how though a lot better now, he still often looked quite sick, dark circles under his eyes sometimes more prominent than other times. “I don't want to go to your party. That's my final answer.”

There was a laugh, TJ either oblivious of Dan's foul mood or completely disregarding it, “Come on man, it's gonna be fun.”

“I'm not going to your stupid party.”

“Come on, Howell, don't be a dick. First Matt and now you,” There was something patronising in the other boy's tone as he pronounced his thoughts, and every word was like a drop in Dan's overflowing cup. 

“Live a little! You didn't survive to mope away over the dead--”

“Shut the fuck up,” Dan slammed the locker door shut and the hinges squeaked weakly. 

“Geez, chill the hell out,” TJ, startled by the sudden outburst and by all the attention that Dan had drawn to them, stepped back, prompted by the pull at his arm when Summer whispered at him to let it go and leave. “Just thought to cheer your miserable mess up.”

“Is there a problem?”

Dan had never thought that Phil's appearance would stop a literal murder. 

Dan's chest was heaving, fists curled so tightly it hurt, his back an uncomfortable mess once again stopping him from reaching out to grab TJ by the neck of his stupid jacket. 

“Tch, whatever,” TJ eyed Phil who had stepped forward, partially to shield and partially to hold Dan back.

“Then I think you have class to get to, bugger off,” Any other time Dan would have laughed that Phil sounded like a middle-aged dad, but the anger had clouded his vision and the breath rang in his ears heavy, with heartbeat that was ready to burst at any moment. 

“Come on, Dan,” Phil spoke gently, and the way his fingers brushed over Dan's forearm instantly brought some comfort. It could almost make Dan believe that what had happened was just a misunderstanding. That is, if not for the painful burn where the nails had dug little crescents into his palm.

“Talk to me?” Phil leaned closer when Dan bent over to grab his bag from the ground where he'd inadvertently dropped it. 

Day after day, the more time Dan spent around Phil, the more comfortable the two had become and the lack of space became less and less unusual with every touch and every unintended sleepover. Some moments were stranger than others, when irrational fears took over, but even then it would be a soft threading through his hair that would eventually bring Dan out of it. 

No words were needed, but the fears were always heard.

===

_It was one late night, the two of them awake far too late into the night, Phil lying on the carpeted floor while Dan lounged diagonally across the bed, head uncomfortably, for his neck held some stiffness still, hanging over the edge but he braved it to be able to catch Phil's gaze, hidden in the night._

_It was then when the truth had begun spilling, bit by bit._

_“I miss them,” Dan murmured without thinking, and in the silence of the night, the words felt bigger and louder than they really were._

_“Your friends?” Phil asked, after a pause long enough only to draw a breath for it, like he had expected the confession._

_Dan shifted; somehow hearing it out loud made him uncomfortable. After all, they weren't his only friends._

_As the silence dragged on, Dan heard Phil roll over to his side, and he glanced over to see Phil staring at him, the dark hair messy after lazy evening spent playing games and lounging around, and completely ignoring their homework. There was a bit of street light reflecting in the lenses of Phil's glasses, but Dan could easily see those blues staring at him. “You can tell me, Dan,” He prompted so gently that whatever knot had formed in Dan's throat loosened instantly with a soft sigh._

_“You're my friend too…. And Louise,” He tried to excuse the guilty feeling only to hear Phil shift again, and when he looked over he saw the other boy pulling himself up enough so that he could settle with his back against the bed, his face close to Dan's and the younger boy shamelessly let his eyes wander over the illuminated outline of Phil's features._

_“Dan, you're allowed to miss them,” Phil's lips were mesmerising to watch as they pronounced words and it was hard for Dan to peel his weary eyes away from them, only doing so when Phil turned his head to look at Dan. “I'm still going to be here,” Phil's promise ghosted warmly across Dan's face._

_He swallowed, blinking hard before he looked away though he felt like it was impossible at first. So caught was he by the closeness, but there was something impossibly familiar in it, too, by now._

_“I don't know…” Dan said uselessly, bringing his hands up, fingers apart as he reached towards the ceiling, partially to stretch and partially just to have something to do. Slowly, slowly, he began drawing invisible lines on the ceiling, old constellations coming to his mind as he trained his memory again._

_“I guess it just feels like I've been thrown into a completely different timeline,” He finally continued when Phil allowed Dan to silently figure out his own thoughts._

_There was a soft chuckle next to his ear, “I can relate to that,” Phil, so incredibly close, felt so distant at that moment that Dan had to glance over to make sure that he was still physically present. “But it's another chance, isn't it?”_

_“I guess it is,” Dan murmured and they were left in the silence of the night once more._

===

Dan leaned his forehead against the metal of his locker door and soon felt Phil's hand rest on his shoulder. It made Dan think of all those moments where the touch had proved to be the strongest support, and how once every now and then those same arms would be draped over him in sleep. They held a missing piece of home for Dan and he allowed himself a moment to just relish in the sensation. 

“I don't know what to do, Phil,” He finally admitted and felt the fingers squeeze lightly.

“What do you mean?”

“Every day something reminds me of how it was before,” Dan paused, and it was with a strange note to his voice that he continued, “Of who I was before?”

“Have you changed?” 

The question hung in the air, and he couldn't answer it. He was still Dan, but so much about him felt off. His movements felt wrong, his feelings felt wrong, the ashless taste on his tongue and the only bleariness to his mind caused by pain and terrors felt wrong. 

“And more importantly, if you have, have you changed for better or worse?”

Though he knew the answer deep within his soul, he couldn't consciously answer it.

===

“Louise,” Dan called out louder than he felt comfortable in the full hallway, but he knew that otherwise he'd lose her in the crowd, through which she moved still a lot swiftly than Dan. Thankfully she heard him after the first call, stopping and turning around only to beam brightly when her eyes landed on Dan, the boy still a bit clumsy on his feet as he was trying to catch up on her.

“Dan! How are you doing, love?” She was pleasant as ever and Dan gladly accepted her one-armed hug, trying his best to not knock her books out of the other by accident. 

“Good, good, hey,” He pulled away and smiled a little shyly down at her, watching her eyebrow arch in unspoken question. “Do you have Trissa's new number?” He finally let the words spill quickly, almost too quickly for her to catch. 

She pursed her lips. Dan could swear that he could almost see the cogs in her brain turning.

“I'm not supposed to give it to anyone, she'll have her phone taken away if her parents find out,” There was defeat in her tone and Dan felt himself deflate a little, his initial plan hitting a dead end. 

“However,” He perked as soon as Louise spoke up again, reaching into her pocket to find her phone, “She reached out to me the other day and mentioned that she's been talking to D'aja again,” A few moments later, she bit down on her lip before giving Dan sort of a pleading look. “Please be careful, okay?”

And once he had promised, she handed him her phone to write down the number.

===

The cold was pinching at his cheeks mercilessly and his fists were curling into painful fists inside his coat pockets as he tried to maintain some warmth in the digits. Dan understood that he could have easily walked inside the small, bustling cafe, but something restless in his chest made it impossible to sit down and relax no matter the suffering that his body had to go through being upright and chilled. It was only the thought of a warm embrace that he would wake up wrapped up in once every now and then that allowed for the prickles to feel a little gentler, before a gust of wind washed all the warmth away and he shivered violently. 

“Daniel! You look cold,” A familiar, soft and timid voice, lined with the tiniest hint of surprise that he couldn't find a reason for suddenly spoke from behind him and, his limbs shaky and stiff from the cold, turned to face the girl. Her dark curly hair was brawn back in a loose ponytail, leaving a single curl falling over her face on the side. Her dark eyes were full of caution, but it seemed to melt away a little when Dan opened his arms to invite her into a welcoming hug. It was brief, but in that moment a bit of that little bit of familiarity that they had built before seemed to come back.

“Hey, D'aja,” _long time no see_ he wanted to say, but the words dried up in his throat and it seemed like she understood. Thankfully neither of them addressed it out loud and instead they were soon settled by one of the small, round tables in the cafe and Dan gingerly pulled off his coat, trying to ignore the pain in his joints that seemed to have returned more prominently again with the numbness. 

“Oh, Dan,” He stopped when he heard the voice and looked up where D'aja stood, holding the two cups of tea and there was something pained in her dark eyes when she surveyed Dan and at that moment more than ever Dan understood how long had it been since they'd last met. It made him even more self-conscious, and he pulled at the sleeves of his hoodie, and looked down at the table to avoid her gaze.

He heard the cups as they were placed on the table, and expected her to say something or sit down, but there was a light touch to his head, brushing over his hair, and he shivered at it. There was something so different about her touch from Phil's, and though his had always calmed Dan down, D'aja's only caused more skin to prickle with discomfort, the awareness of his small deformities increasing rapidly.

“How are you feeling?” She finally asked when she'd settled quietly across from him and Dan dared to glance up, trying hard not to notice the faint lines on her face, though a lot less in count than those on Dan's, where the bits of glass had cut into her darker skin. 

“I'm fine,” He tried to assure, but at that moment he felt faint and a part of him wanted to excuse himself and leave the cafe, and forget about the conversation that he'd asked for. Instead he reached for the tea cup and though the porcelain was blistering hot, he wrapped his cold fingers around it. “Still healing, but it's better,” He saw her lips disappear momentarily when she chewed at them thoughtfully before releasing a soft sigh. He couldn't tell what was going on in her head, what was it that she wasn't saying, and it was that painful moment that he realised that he still knew so little about her though they shared a similar pain.

“You're greying though,” She finally admitted and the knot in Dan's throat tightened, and, his fingers shaky, he brought the cup up to his lips only for the scalding hot liquid to burn the tip of his tongue, so he quickly lowered it again with a quiet hiss. 

“I'm sorry,” D'aja's eyes were now downcast and when Dan looked up he could see the way she was shrinking in on herself, shoulders curling forwards and hands drawing nearer, as if afraid that she'd made Dan angry. 

“I-It's okay,” Dan finally managed out as softly as his trembling voice allowed and offered a faint smile when she looked up again. “I mean, it's shit,” Dan laughed, the sound as faint as his smile, ''But this is fine.'' And when he saw the hesitation still in her eyes, he added, “I promise.”

She was still uncomfortable, shifting in her seat before absentmindedly tucking the curl behind her ear nervously. But her back straightened just a little bit, giving Dan some hope.

“Are you okay?” Dan prompted, pushing the tea cup aside to lean his elbows onto the table, leaning closer out of strain in his spine and because his voice had dropped quieter. 

He felt guilty. 

Guilty that it was probably this meeting that he'd arranged that made her uncomfortable. 

Perhaps she had been trying to forget only for Dan to be a walking reminder that brought the horrors back to the surface once again.

“I can go, if you want...” He shifted, but instantly she looked up and shook her head, the faintest moisture shining in her eyes but she offered him a smile, a little wider than he'd probably ever seen her regarding him with before. 

“No, please,” She rubbed at her eyes, drew a breath and though looking at Dan, it seemed that her eyes were looking beyond him somewhere else. “I was just worried that you were as angry as him...”

To that, Dan blinked and though he already knew the answer, his lips were quick to question, “Who?”

“Matt,” She chewed at her lip nervously and Dan felt his limbs weigh down more. 

“What happened?” He finally asked, allowing himself to lean on the table a little heavier though he felt the wooden surface painfully against his elbows, and his shoulders felt weaker than ever.

He watched closely, the way she kept chewing at her lips, the way she would start shifting a bit more restlessly, how she would avoid looking him in the eyes and how her cheeks would turn a shade darker with blush. It made him arch his brow, if only a tiny bit, and he waited quietly until she mustered up the courage to speak, voice faint and embarrassed.

“You were in the hospital still, Trissa's parents didn't want us to talk to each other anymore, and I had found out Matt's address from Trissa the day before the trip,” Her words were hurried, her face turning darker before the colour began to fade a little again as she continued, “I thought that maybe I could…. I don't know what I was thinking, honestly, I thought that maybe we could help each other.”

Without it being said, Dan understood though he'd never realised it beforehand. All the glances she had cast at Matt all those times, the way she had laughed at his dumb jokes, how she had seemed reluctant about the trip but her interest peaked when Matt had been mentioned.

“I'm sorry,” Dan lowered his gaze to where her hands lied, and found himself thinking of the ways Phil would touch him to reassure and calm him down, but found it impossible to mimic the action no matter how much he wanted to comfort the girl. 

“It's okay,” She shook his apology off and he frowned, because when she looked up there was something else that spelled out worry in her gaze. “I'm still worried, Daniel,” She went back to fluctuating between his name and nickname, “I think Matt is hurting too much and is not letting anyone in.”

Dan frowned even more at that, remembering the hurtful words, but also that avoidance the first day that they had met again when Dan had finally returned to the school.

“I think he really needs someone who really understands him right now.”

===

“I feel stupid,” Dan suddenly spoke up, drawing Phil away from his homework that the two of them had been trying to complete for almost two hours. 

“Come on, it's bad, but not _that_ bad,” Phil humoured lightheartedly and Dan cracked a small smile though it disappeared rather quickly, and he ran a hand through his hair that he had spent some time picking the grey ones out of the day before and his scalp still felt abused. 

“I mean with the therapy,” He sighed and heard the creak of Phil's chair when the other boy moved, “I know that I probably need it and I will go,” He was quick to explain, hearing that Phil was just about to protest, “But it just…. I don't see how talking about it will make it better. There's nothing left to say. It happened. Shit has been happening ever since, but I am recovering. It should be enough, right?”

Phil was regarding him with a small smile, the one in which Dan recognised as Phil allowing Dan to finish what he was saying before responding.

“I'm sure it will be worth it, Dan,” When Dan didn't continue, Phil finally responded and the chair creaked faintly again when he shifted, leaning back into it more, relaxed. “It might not seem like it right now, but you know as well as I do that you should at least try. It's not only the skin and bones that need healing.”

Dan just hummed at that, thoughtfully, trying to ignore the way that he felt Phil's eyes on him, because he didn't want to know what they contained now; the pity for what Dan was, or the worry about Dan's indecision, or was it something similar to what Dan would feel in his own chest whenever he was given a moment of peaceful gazing at the older boy?

“It's on Thursday, right? The appointment?” Phil continued on and Dan hummed in agreement back, closing his eyes and running his fingers over the scalp again. “I can go with you, at least to the clinic. Dad has an appointment so we'll be going there anyways,” He added when Dan eyed him quizzically. 

Suddenly, Dan could see it, through the calm that Phil always radiated, there were some tense edges poking through, where the worry had made his shoulders more squared, and the tired circles under his eyes had deepened in their darkness. Dan had even noticed that Phil's room hadn't been illuminated by his filming equipment ominously for a while, leaving his account without any new content for a while. (He hadn't really thought about asking why, though.)

“It's going to be alright,” Dan caught himself saying, and his lips bowing further in a soft smile, which was returned by Phil whose remained silent though there was something incredibly soft in his gaze that seemed to agree with him. 

Almost like he was really hoping that Dan's words were the one and only truth possible in the world.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have edited this but there might still be some mistakes, and if there are, I apologise <3 I will return to trying to edit it again when my brain doesn't feel like melting :'D Hope you enjoy <3

The words before his eyes were a jumbled mess. His mind far away, thinking about the conversation with D'aja. Only when his phone screen lit up, and Dan felt his heart jump in that familiar manner by now, excitement instead of the constant worry present, that it was finally drawn back to the reality.

Phil had been absent from school for a few days, but had made sure to message Dan, their casual banter not ceasing though there was something worrying about it too, the way the answers took a longer time and how often Phil would jump over one of the topics without answering though asked direct questions. 

Yet, a selfish part of Dan was just glad to see those messages pop up, always too afraid that if he asked too much that the other boy would pull away and stop replying. Though the two had been rather open, there was something looming in the air, and he couldn't place the feeling; his therapist said that trauma could affect his perception, that things may sometimes not make sense, so he latched onto that explanation. He allowed only the worries that he could easily justify take up space in his mind, and instead settled on peaceful oblivion for those that he couldn't.

That quickly changed though, when he finally read the message, where Phil's usually carefully crafted sentences were not as clear anymore, a bunch of misspelled words, and a complete lack of punctuation that even Dan knew of (He'd often laughed that chatting with Phil felt like Dan was talking to an English teacher), all in all a mess of fumbling fingers gliding across the screen rather than a coherent thought.

_Phil: Do ypu wantto cme ovre_

Dan furrowed his brows, the corners of his mouth dipping downwards heavily at the message, and looked up through his window and at Phil's, where the curtains were drawn and every window that he could see was dark. Same as it had been for the past couple of days.

_Dan: where r u?_

_Phil: home_

He looked up again, but there was still no sign of life in the house across the yard, and it made Dan's heart sink with worry. 

His studies forgotten, he pulled himself up and through the hallways. The cryptic messages made him assume the worst, where the terrors of his night took new shape, finally let loose after the quiet oblivion. What if Phil was hurt and unable to get anyone else to help him? The thought alone set Dan's heart racing and he was nearly tripping over his own feet by the time he reached the front door and his mum emerged from the living room.

“Where are you going?” He could heard the way she sounded inquisitive, but when their eyes met, there was a knowing hint about her expression, say, she already knew the answer. 

Dan shot her a look that was almost apologetic, “Phil's,” He didn't elaborate why, and his mum didn't ask though her lips had parted to do so before she stopped herself. 

“Please be home on time. Remember that you have school tomorrow,” She said instead, and Dan impatiently nodded, one hand grabbing for the doorknob and the other - his hood, to pull it over his eyes more out of habit than anything else, and was about to leave only to stop when she spoke again.

“You can talk to me, Daniel, you know that, right?”

Dan paused, and looked over at her and what he saw was something in her gaze that he couldn't decipher. Throughout the past year he had seen a lot of different things in her eyes, but for once there was something new. A bit of worry, a bit of emotion he couldn't really name, and then there was that softness which was almost painful, something about it reminiscent of the looks she had given him when he had first come to it at hospital post-accident. 

It made him reluctant to leave but then she turned away and he was released from that mystery of a question.

“Okay, mum,” He managed quietly but she was already gone and he walked out into the darkness of the British winter suddenly drawn down to Earth like he had been floating above it all for days until now. 

The weather was dreary and made him wish that he was in his bed still, but instead he scurried onward quicker, his feet clumsy on the pavement but clear in their direction. 

The windows were still dark when Dan rang the bell, confounded. It took a while, Dan shifting impatiently as the cold invaded through the seams of his clothing, until the door clicked open and when Phil appeared in the doorway Dan's face fell at the expression the other wore. 

Phil's eyes were puffy like he had been crying and every little part about him looked ruffled up, untidy. His limbs were heavy, his entire tall posture low and like he was struggling to stay upright.

Phil opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out and it was scary to watch, the way the always rather sunny boy looked like the sky had gone dark and starless. Dan moved in close, slow at first but when Phil released a small whimper, he didn't hesitate anymore and reached out to wrap his arms around Phil's shoulders to draw the other boy in and felt the way Phil's arms held tightly around his waist in return. At first Dan tensed, a memory of being trapped starting to creep in, but soon relaxed into the hold, forcing his thoughts to focus on the soft sounds near his ear, and the way that his shoulder felt colder with the winter air where the tears had soaked through the fabric quickly. 

And he had no idea what else to do, so he held him close, rubbing his hand over the back of Phil's neck, and the short hair at the nape of it, trying to soothe the older boy.

It took a while and Dan felt how his limbs were growing stiffer with every second that ticked away, and eventually he stood there supported by Phil's hold only to stumble a little once Phil unwound his arms, though slowly, from around him. 

“What's wrong, Phil?” Dan asked quietly when Phil rubbed his eyes to dry them only succeeding at reddening them even more instead. Slowly, Dan reached out to close the door finally, and reached for Phil's hand to drag the other boy further into the house. It was quiet and dark, and it was clear that Phil was home all alone. 

Once he had coaxed Phil into sitting down on the couch, Dan patted around the wall near the door till he found the light switch and flipped it on. Phil instantly squinted at the light, shielding his eyes with his hand but Dan could only focus on one thing - the way Phil looked, distressed, pale, tear-stained and red-eyed. There were stains on his shirt and sweatpants like he had accidentally spilled something on himself and not bothered to change. And that silence, it pressed against Dan's eardrums painfully, the ringing nearly nonexistent by now. 

“Talk to me,” Dan's voice came out hushed when he sat next to Phil who didn't wait long to lean into Dan and it made the younger boy's heart jump and break when he felt the tremors running through the other boy. 

“They don't know what's wrong,” Phil's voice was thick and weak when he finally answered, and so distant that it felt like Phil was speaking from another universe. Dan wrapped an arm around his shoulders, quiet, allowing the other to continue. “I'm so afraid,” The confession was nearly soundless and had Dan not been looking down at Phil's face, he might have missed it completely.

“Is it your dad?” Dan finally asked when the silence grew and so did the tremors from Phil, and Dan could hear Phil swallow thickly before the other nodded. It had been a topic that hadn't been discussed much but Dan could see the way Phil would always look pained hearing his father having another coughing fit, only to smile brightly when Dan met his gaze. 

There was a faint sound, closer to a kicked animal than a teenage boy, from Phil and Dan could feel the other boy's body heavily against his side, the tremors growing periodically even after Dan had thrown his arm around Phil's shoulders. And with each tremor Dan could feel his chest constricting more with the way his heart was crumbling bit by bit. He felt the tightness begin to bleed with memories of pain, but he bit the feeling away and instead tried to force his entire attention on the now. 

Because Phil needed him.

“Come on, you should wear something clean,” Finally Dan said, to Phil, after looking around for any form of additional comfort in the room. Suddenly the surroundings felt lifeless, sad and heavy, every edge too sharp and fabric too rough. It was only the comfort of green and postered walls that he could think of within the house.

It was wordlessly that Phil took Dan's free hand, the clammy fingers trembling in the hold but holding on tightly like his life depended on it. So Dan did the same, his clumsy fingers certain in their strength as they wrapped around the other boy's palm and gave it a light squeeze. Wrapped up awkwardly, Dan slowly pulled Phil up on his feet, trying hard to keep the two of them upright when he felt Phil lean into him a bit too heavily, Dan's ankles wobbling a little, still weaker than he had expected. He just bit his lip, pushing the feeling away and waited until the strangeness of the fact that for once he could support somebody else passed.

"Come now," He hoisted the other boy closer, squeezing Phil's shoulders before he began to walk towards the stairway slowly, and felt Phil obediently follow. One step, two, dozen of steps later and a couple of dozen of moments after, they finally pushed through the door and though Phil had held on so tightly, his grip loosened instantly once Dan pushed him gently to sit down on the bed.

"Let's get you into something clean," Dan muttered though it felt like Phil was not following at all, just swaying a little sitting on the very edge of the bed. For a moment Dan was worried that the other boy would slip off of it, but after a while of just watching him, shook his head and turned to dig through the closet for a clean t-shirt and a hoodie. Once he'd grabbed the two pieces, he returned and laid them out next to Phil who had barely moved aside from the light shivering and swaying that was still present in every fibre of his being.

"Should I..." Dan began but when Phil didn't respond, chewed at the inside of his cheek thoughtfully. Slowly, he reached out, lifting the hem of Phil's shirt and it seemed like a stronger shiver took over the other boy but it was gone as soon as it had appeared. "Is it okay?" Dan asked, remembering the many times that Phil had wordlessly asked Dan to leave the room when he was changing. 

There was only a small sound, akin to a confirmation, and Dan continued to pull slowly and navigate Phil's arms before he finally managed to pull the shirt off over the dark mop of hair, now left in a wilder mess than before. He tossed the shirt on the floor, and with a frown, carefully reached out and began sorting out the mess on Phil's head.

"Look at me?" He asked gently and ran his hand over the side of Phil's head, just about to trail over his jawline to touch his chin but before he could, Phil flinched and wrapped his arms around himself as if suddenly exposed. It was then that Dan noted the multitude of freckles covering Phil's shoulders and going down his arms, and from what Dan could tell, also down his back. He could see how Phil would curl in on himself even more, yet the curiosity got the best of him and before he realised what he was doing, Dan lightly touched Phil's shoulder with his fingertips, running them slowly across the warm, pale and freckled skin. It was only when Phil's body shook with another strong shiver did Dan snap out of it, withdrawing his hand, and when he turned his gaze, his dark eyes met with Phil's watery blues, reddened around the edges from all the tears and rubbing that they had gone through in the past hour and more.

"I-I'm so-sorry," The words were a stammer over Dan's lips and he was just about to retreat a step, his cheeks warm, when he felt a hand on his wrist, not forceful but enough to make him stay put. There was something ashamed in Phil's gaze but there was also amazement in between all the tiredness and pain, and Dan swallowed when the intensity of the gaze seeped into his being unexpectedly.

"T-the shirt," Dan turned to pick it up and felt Phil's hand fall away from his wrist though there was something unwilling in the little movement.

It was a few quiet moments later that Phil was wrapped up in a yellow hoodie and Dan was sitting next to him that Phil finally spoke up, his voice raspy and quiet but it was clear enough for Dan to hear, "Thank you," It was soft despite the rough edges and Dan looked at Phil in a questioning silence for a moment before he leaned in a little closer, brushing their shoulders together lightly.

"No worries," And a small pause later, his tongue formed words and pronounced them without Dan's consent, as if his logic and feelings had been completely separated in his being all of a sudden in the night, "I'll gladly take your shirt off any day."

Instantly his face flushed brightly, while Phil curled his shoulders forward a little and expelled a small laugh, one sound after the other until it settled into some kind of calm that hadn't been there before. It warmed Dan's chest, and he found it in himself the courage to reach out and gently take Phil's hand in his again, giving it another squeeze just like before, reassuring.

"How are you feeling?" He asked softly and after a little moment Phil shifted and returned the squeeze with one of his own.

"Fine.... Better?" It was questioning but Dan nodded to it, before leaning in closer once more, this time staying there when their arms were pressed against one another in their near full length.

"Do you want to stay over tonight? Mum made dinner," Though genuine in his offer, Dan found it in himself that he simply didn't want to let go again, his grip tightening just a little bit, and it seemed that Phil noticed it because after a small pause, he finally nodded.

It was later that night that Phil was tucked away in Dan's bed, that Dan found himself watching the other boy's form and biting his cheek thoughtfully. His chest was warm, almost joyous, but his face was a frown.

Finally it seemed that so many things were making more sense.

===

"Dan," The voice was low, wading in through the layers of Dan's dreams slowly, until his consciousness caught onto it and his eyelids fluttered open. It was a blur for a moment, then - a pair of blue eyes, staring right at him, without a clear indication of what was going on behind them. Dan just blinked slowly, staring at the wide pupils, until the morning dawned in on him, and the way though he was used to being wrapped in Phil's arms loosely whenever they awoke next to one another, now being only a few centimeters away seemed so much closer.

"M'rning," Dan managed out drowsily, but didn't dare to move to stretch or roll over like he usually would. Captivated by the blues, he was about to say something else when a loud knock on his door startled him.

"Morning, boys, it's time to wake up for school," It was his mum and Dan propped himself up on his elbow though his shoulder felt uncomfortable under his own weight still.

"We're up," He called out, his voice still asleep and throat thicker than he expected. He heard her footsteps take her down the stairs before he turned to look down at where Phil now lied on his back, still staring at Dan as if it was the first time he saw the younger boy and there was something dazed in the gaze.

"What's up?" Dan tried to smile cheekily, only resulting in an awkward smirk, but Phil said nothing. Instead, he reached out slowly and Dan felt his pulse increase when the warm palm laid against the side of his neck gently. He had never liked anyone touching his neck, yet now, underneath Phil's touch it felt like there was something thrilling in the sensation, making his skin crawl differently from how it had before. 

He wanted to say something but his lips didn't move, as if afraid that too much would spill from them than it was safe. It felt like he was stuck in a moment, time still moving but he wasn't, his breaths slow and shallow and heartbeat a heightened mess in his chest.

It felt like a tiny eternity.

As soon as it had happened though, the touch was gane, Phil dropping his hand on the bed with a small bounce against the mattress, and there was somewhat blotchy blush taking over his features like his mind and body were both torn in what he was feeling.

"I should call my mum and find out how's dad doing," Phil finally spoke up and slowly sat up and turned his back to Dan, breaking whatever magic that had been in the air.

Slowly, Dan sat up, bringing his hand up to run it through his hair, both - trying to fix the curly mess and to make some sense of what had happened. His hand trailed from the head to the neck slowly where the ghost of Phil's touch still lingered. Still half-asleep, it was confusion that filled his mind and his chest felt too tight, too full of everything and it brought a mixture of excitement and dread.

Dan hadn’t even realised that he had closed his eyes, his fingers pressing into the side of his neck a little, until he heard Phil’s voice, “Dan?”

He blinked and let his hand slide away from the neck, and instead he offered Phil a smile, “I'm good.” He eyed the way Phil's fingers were closed around the phone so tight that his knuckles were turning white and shifted to pull himself out of the bed, “Do you want me to stay?”

It was a nod that was enough for Dan to reach out and take Phil's free hand in his once again.

“Hey, mum,” Phil's voice was a surprisingly convincing cheerful and it made Dan wonder how many times Phil had hidden his feelings from him as flawlessly, “How are you?” He paused, as if dreading to ask the following, ”How's dad doing?”

There was a clear sound of a sigh on the other side of the conversation.

Dan just stood there, watching the other boy's profile carefully, watched the way the tension in his shoulders had made him look so much more rigid, and how the earlier strange blush had paled to nonexistent. He felt the way Phil's hold became tighter, even too tight, but Dan just bit his lip and held on. 

Then suddenly - it all melted away.

Perhaps it wasn't all of it but the difference was like watching a bloom of the trees sped up in a video. Suddenly the grip loosened to a comfortable one, the shoulders lowered a little, relaxed, and a slight tint of pink appeared on the cheeks again, much more even than before.

And when Phil spoke it was like the fakeness had become truth, the sound smoother than before before he choked at the end of his words, “I'm so glad to hear that.”

It gave hope and Dan tried to catch Phil's gaze by shifting carefully and pulling at his hand gently.

“Yeah, I'll come by later,” Was last he said before the call was over and there was dampness in those blue eyes again, but there was also a smile on those lips.

“They're treating him,” And without another word, Phil enveloped Dan in a tight hug and for the first time since he could remember, Dan felt only comfort in the tight hold.

It was going to be alright.

=====

The clinic seemed awfully quiet, but there was a kind of peace in that and Dan looked over at Phil by his side from below the hood that he had insisted of pulling on despite Phil assuring him that he looked fine. 

“I'll see you after the session, okay?” Dan said and felt Phil's fingers squeeze his palm lightly in a quiet confirmation and when their eyes boys met, there was a mutual comfort in the silent exchange. 

A shared strength in their differing battles.

“See you,” Phil murmured softly before releasing Dan's hand and turning to leave. Dan watched him disappear around the corner, pocketing his hand like he was trying to conserve the heat that had been there just a moment ago.

So he did the same.

But before Dan could turn the other way, a low buzz from his pocket caught his attention and he pulled out his phone, blinking at the caller ID before picking up, “Hello?”

 _“Dan,”_ The voice of the girl was the one that he hadn't expected to hear anytime soon after their last exchange.

“D'aja?”

_“I'm worried about Matt, he sent me a strange message and I can't reach him anymore.”_

The blood in his veins turned cold at that and his mouth felt dry. A mixture of indecision and dread poured into his limbs and he found himself unsure how to respond.

He eyed the end of the corridor where he knew his appointment time was just about to begin, where his psyche was being pushed and pulled, sometimes gentler than other, trying to make sense within his skull and find peace though it felt like it wasn't doing more than lulling him into oblivion instead.

He could hear his mother, hear Phil, Louise, all encouraging him to seek for the help if he was having trouble.

Maybe, just maybe, he had been doing it the wrong way. 

Suddenly it felt like he had found the missing puzzle piece in what truly bothered him. All the loose ends and wounds still left untreated.

He turned away and towards the exit.

“Meet you at his house in fifteen minutes.”

He could worry about the missed appointment later.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, a new chapter, can you believe it's finally here? This is the second last chapter and I want to thank everyone who has been reading and been patient with my extremely irregular updates. I hope you enjoy this <3

The street was familiar but something about it made Dan feel chilly, and it wasn't the weather. The houses seemed cold, emptied for the day while people were still at work and school, left to remain so until they would return. All the driveways empty, and no children in the streets yet.

It was an absolute contrast to what Dan could remember of the occasional visits over the years of sleepovers and general hangouts with the other boys from his year (and as they grew - sometimes even girls).

But it was days long passed and now it felt like the youth and joy had left the area.

Without thinking, Dan wrapped his arms around himself loosely as he got off the bus at the nearest stop to the address that he had memorised over time. Now it almost seemed like a useless knowledge; after all, he had clearly been made unwelcome. Cut out of the history that had tied the two boys together.

He frowned, staring at the house in the distance as every stiff step took him closer to it. It was only when he noticed a familiar form appear from around the corner that the thoughts of abandoning his plan and going back to the clinic cleared from his mind. Instead, he blinked at the girl, unable to convince himself that who he saw was real until he was too close for his eyes to be playing tricks on him.

"Trissa?" He asked, his voice a higher pitch than expected, too full of surprise at the frizzy-haired girl's presence by the house.

She seemed to be just as surprised, he dark eyes wide when she looked up from her phone and at Dan, her lips parted forming a small 'o' before she pocketed her phone and instead offered Dan a vary smile.

"Hey, Dan," She spoke and her tone was just as vary as her expression, though he could trace the familiar softness in the pattern of her speech. "I shouldn't be here, but...'' She trailed off, nodding towards the house and Dan nodded without replying to that and instead inched closer to her.

He hadn't seen her since accident. The last he remembered was the playful teasing between her and Matt before everything had turned into a horror. Only through others had he heard about her well-being and the measures that her parents had taken to keep her safe from thereafter. All of which included cutting out the other friends who had survived the fall.

He never quite understood that logic.

"I thought I'd never see you again," Dan admitted, his voice lowered, and he surveyed her dark skin to see the reality, to find those marks of the horrors, painting her skin like paint on pure canvas. He could not spot them well though, and he caught himself a little jealous before he shook his head, only to cause Trissa's expression turn to questioning when he looked back up.

"Sorry," He apologised, more for the things that had crossed his mind rather than those that had not, "I'm happy to see you."

"Likewise," She let her expression settle into something calmer, less alarmed, and her eyes surveyed him similarly, trying to see beyond the shadows that he hid in. And something, both ashamed and jealous, in him wanted to pull his hood down, to show how much he'd gone through, but instead he just pocketed his hands again and tried to shake the ridiculous thoughts and feelings from his mind.

"So how did you--" They both began and stopped, before exchanging a soft laughter.

"I got a message," Trissa explained when Dan motioned for her to go on.

"I got a call from D'aja--" He didn't finish before he heard panting and soon enough D'aja appeared around the corner, leaning over to catch her breath after what seemed to be the most intense sprint in her life. Trissa was instantly by her side, placing her hand on the other girl's shoulder, and Dan couldn't help but to think of Phil, and how he would always comfort him with the lightest of touches.

Same Phil that he had left at the clinic with a promise to meet after their respective appointments.

He was just about to reach for the phone when D'aja finally caught enough of breath to speak and she looked up, her eyes alarmed, "Have you tried ringing the door yet?"

When both of the others shook their heads, she quickly dismissed Trissa's comfort and, tripping over her feet, came up to the door and pressed the button. It rang inside the house dully, like if overused. There was no immediate response and the silence between the three friends was made frantic with D'aja's fumbling with her sleeves, strictly staring at the door rather than either of the other teens by her side. It made Dan uneasy and it seemed like he wasn't the only one agitated by this because, just as he was about to ask, Trissa spoke, her dark brows furrowed, "What's going on, D'aja? You're acting weird."

It seemed to have struck a chord, because instantly there was dampness in D'aja's eyes and she looked at Trissa with what Dan could call a glare, and instantly the other girl stepped back, not having seen such reaction from her friend before.

"Don't you get it?!" She was clearly reaching a breaking point, her whole posture was trembling and Dan wasn't sure if she was about to collapse or combust. He assumed for the latter though, as when she turned to face Dan next, her face was red, "Do neither of you really understand what's going on?!"

When neither could give an answer, she made a strangled sound before ringing the doorbell several more times before pushing it down and holding, making the dull sound increasingly obnoxious. It was only when Dan reached out to pull her hand away that she stopped and pulled her hand out of his grasp, but instead of explaining herself, she stepped back and started observing the fence that closed off the backyard and it was clear without asking that she was trying to figure out a way to scale it.

Dan exchanged looks with Trissa silently before the two looked back at her.

"Can you just explain it to us?" Dan asked finally, careful; to see the girl so irritated and borderline frantic made his own heart race, and there were ghosts of pain all over his body, the memories that he had grown to ignore through therapy (He could only guess that what he did had been wrong, the therapist said not to suppress, but it always seemed easier than try to express the feelings in complicated detail that made his head hurt) flooding in heavily once again.

"D'aja, what do you know??" Trissa tried as the trio inched closer to the fence; D'aja with a plan to climb over it, Dan and Trissa - to stop her.

"Oh for fuck's sake!" There was something desperate in the exclamation and otherwise Dan would have found it more surprising, but it felt like a part of his mind was floating above his head and it took a lot more than usual for him to focus and to fully register the oddness of the situation of D'aja swearing so openly and loudly.

"He hasn't been well, okay?" D'aja dug into her pocket and unlocked her phone before shoving it into Trissa's direction who began to read in confusion, only for the expression to change soon to mirror her friend's worry.

"Dan, look," Suddenly the phone was in his hands and it took him several hard blinks before he managed to pull himself together enough to be able to read the texts, the stress surrounding him seeping into his being. Once his gaze focused though, he instantly recognised the messy spelling as Matt's.

_"he wass my friend snce we were in elmentary"_

__

__

"it fuckinh hurts somuch"

"adn nobody gives a siht"

"nobody"

_"they jst tell ne to forget it"_

At that he saw D'aja had tried to remind him that it wasn't truth but it seemed to be in vain because the rant continued, going on and on about the pain, the lack of care from everyone and a hint of loneliness.

_"i dont have anyone left now. he was like aa brother"_

__

__

_"fuck"_

"We're here for you, Matt, I promise." D'aja had replied, but it seemed like the girl had struggled finding the words because, Dan quickly noted, her response had taken several minutes longer than other messages beforehand. Dan felt guilt pour into his soul, and without needing to read any more he could already guess how the conversation continued, so he handed the phone over to the owner before turning his back to them and the house, ready to just take off.

"D-Dan?! Where are you going?!" He heard them call after him but didn't reply.

It was his fault. It was always his and he couldn't bear the idea of potentially losing another friend, not over this, not now, not if he could help it.

It took a moment of gathering his thoughts that fought between the fight and flight, but when he did he felt like he was doing something that was beyond what he was ready for but also couldn't escape. 

Suddenly, there was a clumsy sound against the door, a lot of clattering that made the three of them jump and instantly look at the wooden panel separating them from the inside of the house, before it was pushed open. What appeared before them made Dan's heart ache. 

Though he'd known Matt for years now, had attended one too many illegally alcoholic parties with him, Dan had never seen Matt like this. The entire frame was a mess, his stance leaning him against the wall and trying to stay upwards, the hair a greasy mess, face red and bloated as if with tears and alcohol, his clothing clearly cleaned diligently by his mum but now stained and messy once again. 

There was low music coming from somewhere inside of the house, and Dan could assume it was Matt's room because he instantly recognised the tune. It made him ache even more.

"What t-the fuck?!" Suddenly Matt spoke, very slurred and confused as he addressed the trio, his body swaying heavily when he pushed himself off the wall, "The fuck are YOU doing here?!" 

Dan had expected the offending finger to be pointed at him but his eyes widened when Matt pointed at Trissa, his whole stance becoming more rigid, like filled with anger. The girl instantly stepped back, spooked by his outburst. It was clear, the moment that he would move he wouldn't do it with a friendly intent. D'aja tried to approach him, speaking his name but he didn't seem to notice her and instead took one really wobbly step forward, nearly losing his balance and even from a distance Dan could see that the other boy was drunk beyond reason, and in a guilty moment he wondered how hadn't Matt's parents noticed it before he remembered how often they were away for days for work and could only guess that it was one of those times.

“I ffffuck'en tried calling you,” Matt slurred and tried to take another step towards Trissa who looked increasingly guilty, “I-I knew y-you were lying.”

At that Dan looked at D'aja who looked equally confused back before both of them looked back at Matt and Trissa, and Dan noted the way Trissa was now staring at the ground instead, and was wringing her fingers. 

“Y-you fffuck'en liar--” Matt's tone increased only to abruptly disappear into a gross gag and Dan had to look away as the other boy emptied his stomach on his front porch. 

It took some convincing to drag the half-limp Matt back inside when he had finally stopped retching, and Dan held his breath as he hooked his friend's arm around his shoulders to drag him inside (Though D'aja had insisted to help due to Dan's injuries, he had shook his head and instructed her to lead the way). Once the drunk boy was laid down on the living room couch, D'aja rushed off to get some water and Dan began collecting the empty beer bottles scattered on the floor. When he looked up, Trissa stood in the hallway still, looking like she was about to leave. It brought back Matt's words.

“Why was he calling you a liar, Trissa?” Dan asked calmly, but Trissa seemed to curl in on herself as if he had shouted at her. It was unusual to see her of all people so timid and easily scared. When she didn't respond, Dan set the bottles he was holding on the coffee table and stepped closer, his brows knit together though it made his face feel a bit weird when he felt the pull of the harder scars. “Trissa, what did he mean?” He prompted and watched as she seemed to shrink.

“I shouldn't have come,” She suddenly shook her head and turned to leave, but with one awkward big step Dan caught up enough to grab her wrist to stop her.

“What the hell is going on?” He asked more confused than angry but he might as well started screaming because suddenly there were tears on Trissa's cheeks and her body shook, as did her head - no.

“She lied about her parents,” D'aja spoke from across the room as she set a glass of water on the coffee table and used the corner of a wet towel to clean Matt's face gently as the boy muttered incoherently, half-asleep now. Dan quickly glanced at her before he looked back at Trissa, trying to understand what D'aja was saying. “They weren't the ones who told her to cut all contact with us,” D'aja continued and Dan could feel Trissa shake more violently under his touch so he slowly released the girl; she didn't try to flee and instead she wiped at her eyes. 

“But why?” He felt the confusion in him forming the words on his lips, disconnected from his rational mind because suddenly everything seemed fuzzy again. 

“Dan, she was hopelessly in love with Tuck, we were just a terrible reminder,” D'aja's voice held a mixture of acid and peace, a strange mixture coming from the most calm and timid person that Dan had met, or so he had thought. Trissa meanwhile was full-on sobbing and though Dan didn't know how to react to the truth, he reached out to pull the girl into a hug, gently rubbing her back.

“I'm sorry,” He muttered, because it was all that he could say at that; they all had lost somebody important that day and as betrayed Dan would otherwise feel by Trissa's actions, he couldn't find it in himself to be mad. D'aja seemed to be more bitter about it though, and when Dan looked at her she gave Trissa a slight glare to before turning back to Matt who had began muttering under his breath again. 

It was clear that a lot was still aching and that none of them were actually healing yet.

=====

Dan's phone began vibrating and he jumped in his seat on the armchair. It had been a few hours; Trissa had calmed down and helped them with cleaning wordlessly, D'aja had kept an eye on Matt who had been asleep save for the muttering, and Dan had been trying his best to not let his mind get too hazy with thoughts and memories that were pressing down on his chest like the weight of an entire car. 

It was Phil and when he picked up, the older boy didn't even wait on Dan to speak before he exhaled loudly in relief, “Dan? Where are you? I've been waiting for nearly two hours. Are you still in session? Did something happen?” It took a moment for Dan to realise that he had promised to meet Phil at the clinic after his appointment. 

“I-yeah, Phil, I'm fine. Sorry that I didn't tell you, but I'm not at the clinic anymore, you can go home.” He tried to be reassuring but despite his best efforts,his voice had a strained edge and Phil caught it easily.

“Where are you, Dan?” He asked so gently that it made Dan's heart skip a beat in a way that he hadn't expected it to and it took a moment to compose himself before he answered, his needs winning over the logic of what he wanted to say.

“Can you meet me?” He asked hazily, feeling the heaviness of the silence in the room taking over his mind, and, when Phil confirmed, he muttered, “I'll text you,” before ending the call.

He could feel the two girls looking at him from across the room, but instead of them he focused on getting his fingers to type out the message and send it. When it popped up as sent, he pocketed his phone and pushed himself up. “Can you give him my best when he comes back to it?” He asked D'aja, watching her lips thin for a moment before she nodded, “And tell him to text me if he wants to talk.” 

He regarded the girls and Matt ,now snoring lightly on the couch, in silence, before he weakly excused himself, “I need to...” He trailed off but they seemed to understand; it was a lot to digest mentally, what had happened and what he had found out. Dan realised then and there, that it was himself who was lost the most though, and he had no clue of who he was anymore; so much of himself was based on the friendships he had built, yet now it all felt foreign and it was hard to make sense of where he was going.

All he knew was that he wanted one thing.

When he saw Phil, the first thing he did was slump his body against the older boy and wrapped his arms around his torso. Phil, who had been in the middle of greeting Dan, looking worried, relaxed a little in the hug before wrapping his arms around Dan in return. 

“What happened?” Phil asked but Dan just pressed his face further into the side of Phil's neck.

Eventually Dan found himself wrapped in Phil's duvet as he sat on the older boy's bed with a cup of tea in his hands; he'd texted his mum earlier that he'd be at Phil's and hadn't bothered with explanations beyond that. He let the other boy stroke his hair as Dan leaned in closer, and it was after a while that Phil finally spoke up again, “Thank you for letting me help,” He said so quietly that if Dan hadn't been so close, he would have missed it. Instead he shifted a little closer and sighed.

“I'm so tired, Phil,” Dan finally admitted, but there was tiredness beyond the physical, seeping from within his chest almost painfully. “And I don't understand anything anymore,” To that he sipped from the cup, partially to soothe the aching in his chest and partially to have a reason not to elaborate. It seemed that Phil understood because he kept brushing his fingers through Dan's curls gently before pulling Dan in a little closer.

“Give it time, you all have a lot to deal with,” He murmured and for a moment he squeezed Dan close and it almost felt like he had placed a chaste kiss on the top of Dan s head. 

“But why are they shutting me out?” Dan still didn't understand it; D'aja had known everything, hadn't told him anything when they had met earlier, he felt like suddenly he was cut off from them completely, deserted on another plane of existence.

“I don't think they are doing that on purpose,” Phil reasoned back, his hold around Dan tightening just a little bit more, “You were badly hurt, worst of all by the sound of it, maybe they've been trying to protect you?”

To that Dan wanted to laugh bitterly. Protect him? Matt had lashed out at him. D'aja had lied. Trissa had disappeared. For all he knew they had hurt him more, but he couldn't find a reason why they would do that to him.

“Sometimes people do stupid things when they don't know what to do,” As if reading Dan's thoughts, Phil added. “I'm sure that you will work it out, just give it time. You're getting there slowly, at least now you know.”

And though it seemed like a shitty reasoning, Dan let that reassurance take over and lull him to sleep. He didn't even notice when Phil took the cup from his hands and laid him down on the bed before turning off the lights and joining.

His dreams were once more filled with nightmares.

=====

“How does this even work?” Dan asked, looking at the bottle and then at the back of the hair dye box. It had eventually become too apparent that his hair was getting greyer by day, but Dan wanted to do something about it. So, knowing that Phil had dyed his hair black before, he had asked the older boy for help. 

The two sat in Dan's bathroom, studying the instructions when Dan's phone buzzed.

_Matt: Hey dan I know that I have been a prick to u but if u want to talk I am outside ur house rn_

Curiously, Phil peeked at the phone screen from across Dan's shoulder before eying Dan while the younger boy chewed at his lip. 

“You should go talk to him,” Phil encourage gently and Dan nodded, the previous excitement having turned numb; his therapist said that sudden mood changes and deflation was normal and would take a while to sort out, but that Dan was doing better. There was something about trying to protect himself from additional hurt by locking everything out, and with that in mind Dan took a deep breath and tried to focus his gaze when he looked up at Phil again and nodded.

“Can you decipher this meanwhile?” He handed the box over to Phil who nodded and stepped aside to let Dan pass by.

It was still cold outside, and Dan felt the shivers prickling through his body as he wrapped his jacket closer around himself. Matt was stood awkwardly near a lamppost a little ways from Dan's house, hands deep in his pockets and eyes set on the dark concrete by his feet.

“Hey,” Dan greeted him quietly when Matt heard his footsteps and looked up. 

“Hey...” The other boy replied quietly and they stood in silence for a moment before Matt continued with a small, lopsided smile, “I'm seeing a therapist now too, my parents weren't too thrilled about all the alcohol and mess.”

Dan nodded to that, still vary of the other boy. He didn't know what to expect from this meeting.

“Listen, Dan,” Matt continued after another painful pause between the two and Dan's heart was beating faster with a mixture of anticipation and stress, “I was a complete prick to you, it wasn't your fault but… Fuck, man, I can't just accept he's gone because of a stupid mistake.” There were tears forming in Matt's voice and Dan felt the feeling in his own bones, too.

“I'm sorry, okay?” Finally Matt choked out before swallowing hard and blinking just as hard to try and stop the tears. It seemed to be working; his cheeks remained dry.

“You've been an absolute asshole lately,” Wasn't what Dan had intended to say but he did and he felt his cheeks flush a little but he offered his friend a small smile, “But, to be honest, you've always been a bit of an asshole.”

“Shut up, Howell,” Matt laughed and the strain between them eased. It almost felt like things would go only uphill from there. 

“So what now?” 

“I really don't know.” Then Matt looked over Dan's shoulder and Dan had to glance there too, just in time to see Phil guiltily scurrying away from the window.

“I guess your boyfriend is waiting,” Matt said with a hint of laughter in his voice, and Dan felt his cheeks heat up again. He didn't manage to protest though, because Matt continued with a raised hand in an awkward half-wave, “I'll be off now, my parents want me to be back by six. Something about making sure I'm not getting lost in my ways again.”

Though he laughed, there was bitterness behind the words.

“Hey Matt,” Dan called out when the other boy turned around to leave, “I miss him a lot too, but I'm glad that I still have you.”

There was only a small smile that he could see in Matt's half-turned face at that. “See you around, Howell.”


End file.
